Some old. Some new. But the couples are sharing their crazy adventures all in the name of love this season on Before the 90 Days. The new comers seem to be wilder than ever, and the returning couples certainly do not disappoint in delivery cringe-worthy moments…
Angela and Michael:
I love Angela. She is by far my favorite 52 year old…err…I mean 50 year old… blonde from Georgia. She is a boss when it comes to family. “Four generations of women all pitching in together.” Angela is super close with her daughter, grandkids, and is a caregiver for her sickly mother. She’s awesome. It’s about time for someone to snag this lady and wife her up.
“You look pretty today. Good morning.” And that, my friends, is how to start a long distance relationship. The man behind those smooth words is Michael, Angela’s Nigerian love interest. He is 30, but totally into Angela, or is he? According to Angela, Nigeria is “the most scamming” place. Angela is head over heels in love with Michael, therefore, she is gonna spend a pretty penny to travel to Nigeria for Michael. In regards to Nigeria, Angela states, “In my mind, I’m gonna be the only white person over there, cuz in my mind, that’s Africa.” Oh dear. Even Angela’s hair dresser describes Angela “as a mess.” I’m also pretty sure she has a tattoo that says Michael on her wrist…
Angela is VERY forward and I’m loving it. She’s going to buy Michael an engagement ring and is going to propose to him when she goes to Nigeria. Naturally, Angela and her daughter, Scottie, roll up to the pawn shop to buy Michael the best ring money can buy. Angela overshares her love story with the young pawn shop worker and I experience 2nd hand embarrassment hardcore. Angela hems and haws over the pawn shop rings and decides to put one on layaway for her man. Here’s an idea, Ang- give your man one of your 97 rings you are currently rocking. No good?
Have I mentioned that I love Angela? Her bon-voyage party is off the hook and appears to be in an airport hangar/bar. Scottie is rocking some amazing glittery heels for the event. Angela’s friends can’t even say “bon voyage,” as they “do not speak French,” and no one at the party is able to locate Nigeria on a map. Angela has made her mind up about going to meet her boo and has even decided to quit smoking cuz Michael hates smoking. (Sidenote: Angela is smoking during this segment, but hey, she’s starting tomorrow, right?)
Scottie continues to show resistance against this relationship and Angela does her best to explain that “Michael doesn’t have any pictures of me on his phone because the cops would arrest him and think he is scamming me.” Holy red flag. Ang- don’t quit smoking for this guy. Quit smoking for you, stay in your hometown, and keep doing you girl. There’s too much to lose.
Rachel and John:
Meet Rachel a karaoke lover from way back. Whilst singing her heart out in New Mexico on a karaoke app, Rachel found the guy of her dreams. “One day out of the blue, a man joined in on a duet with me and my jaw just hit the floor.” This man is John and unfortunately, he lives in England…quite far away from Rachel. Here’s a little about John: He’s very hot with a great body and he loves to play American football. Rachel states she has never had anyone that hot into her. Aw. The duo was falling in love fast, despite the distance.
Everything was going smoothly …until Rachel found out she was pregnant. Andddd…it obviously wasn’t English John’s kid. Woopsie. Upon hearing the pregnancy news, Rachel shares “he ran to me, not away from me and was on the phone with me while I was giving birth.” And don’t worry guys, she sent John (reminder: not the biological father) a piece of Lucy, the baby’s, umbilical cord. Say WHAT!? These 90 day couples keep getting weirder. To top it all off, John views Lucy as his own biological child. Despite it all seeming like rainbows and butterflies, Rachel has some trepidation. She is going to be traveling to England with Lucy and hints that John and his too-good-to-be-true persona may be hiding something shocking about his past.
Before Rachel heads to England to be with John, she meets up with her girlfriends. They discuss John and his accent and how he seems perfect. Rachel will be gone for two weeks and shares with her friends that she has fallen “head over heels in love with him.” Someone take the wine away from Rachel. She’s talking crazy! Evidently, John is just as crazy as Rachel is. John PAYS FOR LUCY’S DAYCARE and doesn’t even know the kid!
But alas…John is not Prince Charming. He has a criminal record and has been convicted for fighting…”multiple times.” Hmmmm….So this is the reason John has been denied a Visa to come to the US. See? The truth always does come out…but something tells me there is more to this story. Her friends are slightly weary of this upcoming trip and I don’t blame them.
It’s almost time for Rachel to take her infant child to meet a man she has never met. Seems reasonable. Rachel’s dad suggest that Rachel tell her mom about her trip to England, but she has decided against it. Rachel’s mom is worried about John’s past (and rightly so), but Rachel is banking on her father’s support with the whole John thing. Rachel’s dad urges his daughter to find out as much about John’s past as possible and gives obvious advice to Rachel.
The day has come for Rachel and her daughter Lucy to meet her karaoke-stud over in England. Rachel admits she is nervous and doesn’t know what to expect. I’m nervous for her, but also in awe of the nerve she has to actually go through with this venture. I just wish she chose to dress up juuuuuust a little bit for her man. I know it’s a long flight and all, but just saying.
Ricky and Melissa:
Over in Columbus, we get a glimpse into Ricky’s life as a professional photographer and videographer. The guy’s had a bit of a rough relationship past, but his 12 year-old daughter lives with him permanently. Ricky has been married twice and shares his fears about love. After some time alone, Ricky “decided to have a fresh start and stop feeling sorry for” himself. Ricky has started working out and even started online dating… “I went to Colombian Cupid and it was crazy.” Ricky got the confidence boost he needed and soon after met, Melissa. “A girl like that is way beyond my league and this is too good to be true.” What is with this cast and their poor self esteem? Well, maybe his fear was legit considering every time he tries to FaceTime with his girl it seems like a loop or a GIF. RUN AWAY. You’re getting cat-fished, Ricky!
After three months of communicating with Melissa, his Colombian cutie, Ricky decides to make the trip to Colombia. Ricky shares his plans with his daughter and she is not sure about the situation. I love how the children are always the wisest people on this show. Amber, Ricky’s daughter…who is 12!!… states that she feels this may be “a bit quick.” Upon hearing that her dad may propose to Melissa, his daughter is shocked and not very into the idea. Poor Ricky. He’s really taking that saying “third time’s the charm” to heart.
Ricky heads out to catch up with his buddies before the big Colombian adventure. None of Ricky’s friends can believe that he is going to propose to his Colombian sweetheart, particularly because he’s not even technically divorced. Ricky can’t wrap his mind around why a hottie like Melissa would be interested to him….but Ricky finally shares that he has been sending Melissa money every week. And that, Ricky, would explain why Melissa is “interested.” His friends do the best they can to warn Ricky and even remind him of the show “lock up abroad.” Nothing’s gonna stop Ricky from making this trip…not even the warnings of cat-fish schemes!
Ricky explains that “since breaking the news to Melissa about coming to Colombia, Melissa has become distant.” She responds with one liners and is being a little bit snarky in her text replies to the heart sick Ricky. Melissa has totally pulled back and Ricky believes the reason she is being so coy is because she is “just nervous.” Oh boy. For one thing, Ricky, you should lose the fanny pack on this trip. That’s certainly not going to be a turn on for Melissa…that is…if she even exists. Ricky admits that he is crazy to be doing this, but he heads to Colombia to meet “the love of his life.”
Darcey and Jesse:
Everyone’s favorite twin is back from last season. Darcey clearly decided to tone down her make-up a bit this season and it’s working for her. Perhaps it was a suggestion made by her 24 year old boyfriend Jesse, from Amsterdam? Darcey recounts her trip to Amsterdam to meet Jesse in person last season. It was an epic fail. Even Jesse’s parents were not feeling the couple. Jesse’s dad went as far as stating, “She is not in the same league as you are.” Ouch. From there, the relationship spiraled. You guys remember this, right?
How could you forget the “appreciation ring” and the old “you can’t drink wine” fight? Despite the embarrassing tell-all at the end of last season, Darcey is still in love with Jesse and his controlling ways.
Darcey does admit that “being 4,000 miles apart has caused a lot of tension.” Darcey explains that they “make up and break up” every day and argue about “stupid stuff.” Although Darcey is 44, she behaves like she is 14. She shares with her friend that she made some social media posts about Jesse during a rough patch to specifically make Jesse angry. Because that ALWAYS works. But…Darcey states that, “I’ve transformed. I have a new look. I’ve lost some weight.” Darcey further states that she is a bit nervous having Jesse meet her daughters IRL. Homegirl’s in for some surprises when her man comes to visit.
The day of Jesse’s arrival in NYC, Darcey preps and hopes that “Jesse loves her new look. I’ve worked on myself physically and hopefully he notices that.” Jesse clearly did a number on her self-esteem, especially because she keeps saying things about the way she looks. Anyone else catch Darcey give herself a quick perfume shower at the airport right before Jesse arrives? Maybe NOW Jesse will propose….siiiiiiiike.
Enter: Jesse. Jesse immediately states to Darcey, “Let me have a look at you.” Well, that would explain Darcey’s obsession with her looks. Jesse claims that when Darcey came back to Connecticut she went through a “phase.” Jesse even goes as far as saying that their relationship is “dysfunctional.” He also shares that Darcey needed to come back to him when she was “structured and well-rounded.” Yikes.
While in the cab, the couple hit it off immediately (not). Jesse was more “into the surroundings” than Darcey. Jesse becomes frustrated when Darcey couldn’t explain landmarks and Darcey instead wanted to know if Jesse liked her new make-up. Welp, it turns out that Jesse alas, does NOT like make-up, period, but clearly is interested in landmarks. Darcey explains, “I’m just accentuating my natural beauty.” Right. Darcey- here’s how it goes with Jesse. Just become a tour guide who doesn’t wear any make-up and then Jesse will fall madly in love with you. Easy! #putaringonit
Paul and Karine:
Oh man. Paul’s back! He was on last season, trekking through the Amazon to meet the love of his life, Karine. Paul’s back in the states and lives with his mom, despite being 34. Paul shares that “I’m definitely a momma’s boy. I will say that, but, last year, my love life did a huge 180.” Paul shares his love story about Karine. Nothing could ever top Paul packing to visit Karine in Brazil. Her town is on the Amazon and the guy rocked mosquito nets, full body suits, and 3279609 pieces of luggage to protect against the environment. Seeing Paul’s flashbacks of last season is cringe-worthy. Especially when he shares his criminal past with Karine, yet Karine still agrees to marry Paul.
Fast forward to now: PAUL’S going BACK to the AMAZON, ya’ll! Except there is a problem. Turns out that Paul’s 21 year old bride is a HUGE stuffed animal fan and demands that Paul bring them on his voyage. You ever try to pack a stuffed animal? How WILL Paul be able to meet the luggage limit?! He also needs to bring all of the paperwork citing his criminal past on his journey this time around, per Karine’s father’s request. “Roughly 10 years ago, I was accused of burning my own property” and the second case had to do with violating a restraining order. I bet Karine’s father, the ex-cop, isn’t a big fan of this set up.
While Paul is excited for the upcoming trip, he is less pleased about Karine’s flirty comments to other men on social media. “I don’t want to just be a meal ticket to come to America.” Nonetheless, the time has come for Paul to go back to Brazil…for a long, long time. He’s got all the essentials, including the unicorn and panda bear onesies Karine asked for. My goodness. I am dying over the part when Paul’s mom finds all of the sex toys that “Karine asked for.” Paul is upset that she saw the toys because “me and mother have a really good relationship,” but let’s be honest…Paul will never be able to look his mom in the eyes after that debacle.
Paul’s hoping that Karine’s family will accept him….so I highly suggest that he hide those sex toys a liiiiitle bit better before he arrives. Just some friendly advice.
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