We are back in the Bahamas with our Real Housewives of Miami with an episode titled “Rage, Release, Repeat.” Adriana is going to be raging for Alexia this episode, and she is definitely getting Alexia’s Kracken released, but do we really need a repeat of this?!?
Marysol is maniacally laughing and thinking everyone is happy she is there to liven this place up. However, Adriana looks like she just ate a lemon. Larsa, who never is off the clock with her OnlyFans, is moving around in slow-motion in the pool and posing with her a*s sticking out. She deems her a*s an MVP, and the delusion is real with this one — and that is the ONLY thing real about her.
Lisa shares with Julia what is going on with Lenny. She recounts Lenny saying her excessive partying was an issue in their relationship. Lisa decided to write Lenny a letter, but she suspects that everything from her is set to go to Spam/Trash/Junk.
Adriana is now trying to clear the air with Marysol and starts telling her why she and Alexia are bad friends. She drones on about going through a divorce without getting any support from them. Adriana gets theatrical and then lets Marysol and Alexia know that she almost had a stroke due to high cholesterol. Alexia thinks that Adriana is too much and is ruining the vibe.
Adriana then decides to get ugly and shares that she was hit on by Marysol’s ex-boyfriend. Guerdy thinks that Adriana is making a BIG mistake and needs to back up. Adriana then goes even lower, telling Marysol he was never in love with her. Marysol is happy to share her old tired lollypop with the masses. She acts like she is unaffected by this, but you can tell it is hurtful.
Larsa spills to Nicole that Julia and Adriana were maybe doing some witchcraft. She says that she should have never spilled that rumor about sleeping around at the hospital. In her ITM, Larsa, who clearly does not have the word regret in her vocabulary, admits she does not regret what she said but wants to move forward. Side note: I can understand why Larsa is no longer super friendly with Kim K. Larsa claims it is because she knew too much, but I think the issue was probably that she KNEW and SHARED too much.
Alexia tells Marysol that Adriana is coming for her. Marysol, who thinks they have put a hex on her, has tossed her stone over the balcony. I am sorry, but I will never tire of Alexia’s ITM with Marysol perched on Alexia’s lap like she is a ventriloquist dummy. The only issue is Alexia needs to be the dummy since it is more fitting.
The ladies have a beautiful dinner on the beach. They are having a healer, who will help them rage release. Kiki is thrilled to release some rage since she will get to ejaculate her sad feelings. She also is looking for a gas release, so she wants to release farts while she screams. OMG, Give this woman a mojito for God’s sake!
Marysol tells Julia that she is spooked over the stones. Julia thinks that Marysol is acting weird. She then mentions that Alexia is giving her a Barracuda look. Alexia tells Julia to release her rage and stop trying to hold everything against them. Alexia cannot understand why Julia is calling her a barracuda. Lisa is looking up a barracuda and wants to see side-by-side photos of them. She shows the photo, and Nicole says this is an ugly a*s fish. Lisa wants to just fight over tacky houses and stop calling each other ugly fish. Side note: Barracudas are known for their fearsome appearance with their pointed heads, pronounced underbite, and fang-like teeth. There might be some resemblance to Alexia there!
Marysol wishes that Adriana kept the ex-boyfriend thing to herself. Adriana and Larsa fight over calling people a bitch. Larsa is then called a snitch, and this makes her want to throw Adriana down. See, I told you that I believe that caused the end of the KK relationship. Adriana is throwing water and shouting “f*ck you” to Larsa. Kiki is running in circles and hilariously yelling, “Emergency!” Guerdy is practicing a safety drill she may have learned from Russell yelling, “Rage retreat, rage retreat!”
Larsa claims she never initiates conflict and production proves otherwise. Kiki thinks it is not classy and walks away. She cannot understand people who fight as much as they need to pee. Adriana has concluded that no one cares about her, and it will take days to find her dead body. She cries, “Why do they not like me?” Lisa comes up and lets her know she is not a fairweather friend. Adriana’s friends are her family, but doesn’t she have a son???
The healer is planning a rage release ritual. She wants them to scream it out. Lisa is screaming, “F*ck you, Lenny,” and Kiki really gets into the exercise. Nicole thinks that the bad hex was released on Kiki and she is releasing the bad juju. Kiki and Guerdy fall on Adriana, and she thinks her foot is broken. Alexia thinks that Adriana is after attention — positive or negative will work. Adriana, who is so overly dramatic, has a walking stick and is hobbling on the beach like Jesus with his staff. The poor healer is even relegated to carrying her around on the beach. Julia has decided to be Adriana’s disciple friend since she thinks that the other ladies are picking on her.
The next day, they are getting ready to go to a private island. Kiki, who has just killed me this episode with her one-liners, thinks she and Guerdy were like lesbians in a 69 position before falling on Adriana’s foot. Lisa is leaving, and she is heading home since she cannot trust Lenny to not bring his side piece around the kids. Kiki thinks that Adriana is not going to act up since she has a bum leg. Larsa concludes that Adriana got her karma on the beach.
Julia is pushing Adriana in a very squeaky wheelchair, looking like a senior citizen being pushed around a nursing home. They listen from the hallway and overhear the other ladies discussing their alleged bad magic. Nicole shares that the botanica shop was nothing more than a gift shop with flowers. Julia then wheels Adriana (someone please tell her to close her legs) into the hotel room, and the other ladies are bemused by seeing Adriana in a wheelchair. Larsa reflects on Adriana’s constant desire to play the victim.
They head to the boat to go to the private island. Adriana wants to be loaded first on the boat because of her disability. They go to Long Cay, and these poor men must carry Adriana all over the boat and then gets a piggyback ride on shore. Marysol thinks that Adriana is just having some thespian moments. Kiki, who clearly is comfortable with her nudity, goes topless. Adriana thought her song was a breakthrough and had healing power. She tells them she is happy they enjoyed the song. Alexia was not judging her musical talents and has not been cured by her fyah song. She wants to know why she always plays the victim.
Adriana brings up Frankie’s accident, and she starts speaking in tongues, which caused me to start speaking in Spanish to myself, saying, “Ay dios mio (oh my god).” She compares her little boo-boo accident to Frankie’s devastating brain injury!?! Marysol says Adriana is dead in the water, and I see blood with Alexia baring her teeth just like the barracuda! We then get a to-be-continued.
Next week, I cannot imagine anyone defending Adriana after comparing Frankie’s injury to hers, but Julia will be a likely bet. I hope everyone is having a good week, and have a fabulous weekend!
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