The episode of Southern Charm opens at Craig’s “bachelor pad,” aka the saddest place ever. He is still reeling from the last meet-up he had with Naomie where she basically ripped his heart out of his chest and danced on it. Because of this wake-up call, Craig has decided it’s time. He claims he cannot handle fighting with Naomie anymore, and therefore, has decided to hire a life coach. “Long story short, I had an Uber one time who was talking about life coaches…”Man, Craig is very impressionable. It’s a good thing his Uber driver didn’t talk about a side gig in stripping, amiright?
As Craig contemplates his lifestyle, Cameran meets up with her mother, Bonnie, at what seems like the most high-end baby store in all of Charleston. The goal is to find the soon-to-be-baby Palmer a “coming home” outfit. Cam explains that she is a little scared about becoming a mom, but she knows she is strong enough to handle it. After her parents divorced, she was forced to “fend for herself.” So, I guess it makes sense that she is “self-sufficient,” just please disregard the fact that she currently has Patricia’s butler, Michael, busy cleaning her house with a toothbrush.
Shep and Austen catch up at the bar (no surprise there) and the dudes discuss age and life goals aka girls. Austen explains that he gets “so enveloped” in someone, whereas Shep is just a dog. Naomie enters and breaks up the guy talk. She fills them in on her Craig “date” and Austen explains the only way to get over it is to “chop it out,” whatever that means.
Just as everyone gets their food, Chelsea joins the crew and comes in hot. She starts asking about the boys’ night and zeros in on Austen asking if he made out with anyone. Shep doesn’t skip a beat and snags the opportunity to call Austen out on Peyton. Now, in case you forget, this Peyton has been clearly making her rounds with the boys in this group. Yup. She dated Shep, then was “friends” with Austen, and now Chelsea shares that when she was cutting Craig’s hair the other day, Craig mentioned this Peyton man-eater, as well. Craig revealed that upon meeting Peyton, he felt a crush coming on. Needless to say, Naomie gets DISPLEASED. She gets p*ssed because Craig made her feel like he wasn’t ready to move on. The joke’s on you, Naomie. She turns super wild and takes crazy ex-girlfriend to the next level when she states, “Let me get her address and her entire extended families’ addresses.”
“Sewing has been my escape ever since Naomie and I broke up.” Craig, or pillow man, as the store employee so affectionately refers to him as, meets up with Kathryn at the fabric store. This is where Craig likes to “play with new tools” and study fabric patterns, like any newly single dude would do. Craig lets Kathryn know that he is getting a life coach…to show Naomie he is making himself better. Even Kathryn is like, “guy, do it for yourself!” She tries to let Craig know that distance is key and is the only way to try and get through it all.
We get treated to dinner at Austen’s parents’ house. They seem pretty cool and have a strong love of white wine, so there’s that. They ask to know about Austen’s life, and by life, I mean love life. Austen’s mom is a bit salty that Chelsea is out of the picture and both parents seem concerned about Austen’s future…with ladies AND a job. They don’t seem incredibly interested…check that…they seem “disappointed” when Austen says he wants to start his own brewery. I mean, Austen kinda sounds like a kid at a lemonade stand hoping to buy a unicorn with his earnings. Time for a reality check, Austen.
I love how Craig didn’t even attempt to clean up his house for this life coach- it’s like a metaphor for his life right now. The life coach dives right into Craig’s past and when he says, “right now I am not currently doing anything,” even HER face is like WTF is wrong with you?! She actually looks terrified that she has to try and coach this “hyper-active” man-child. Eventually, the life coach strokes Craig’s ego so hard and makes him realize that he is an awesome person. Pep talk 101.
The whole Thomas–Whitney–Patricia segment at the French restaurant was an absolute snooze. Essentially, they’re all wealthy, pretend to speak French, and discuss relationships whilst making Whitney cringe in his seat every time his mother brings up her fresh engagement. Thomas wishes to send Ashley off to Patricia “finishing school,” but Whitney doesn’t think it’s worth it. He would know, too.
Chelsea and Austen, the “friendly “exes, meet for a “friendly” game of golf. Austen states he “still gets that butterfly feeling” when he sees her. Aw! Austen shares with Chelsea that he is co-hosting a Halloween party with the infamous Peyton. The schtick is that Austen and Peyton are hosting this party so she can “meet everyone.” BUT. It seems to me that she already knows everyone (men in particular)…IF you know what I mean…Nevertheless, Austen invites Chelsea to this party and he also shares that Naomie will of course be invited to the party, despite her beef with the new girl in town.
Later, Naomie meets Cam at the nail salon for a pedi to prep for baby Palmer’s birth. Cam wants to hear all the gossip she has been missing out on and Naomie shares that any time she gets around Craig, her energy goes dark. She also lets Cam know about Peyton—the girl that Craig is supposedly crushing on. Naomie states, “there must be a drought in California cuz she seems kinda thirsty.” That’s hilarious. Also as hilarious as Cam telling Naomie should be #unbothered.
It’s time for THE Halloween party, ya know, the one that Austen is hosting with Peyton, the “unicorn.” While the duo starts decorating and prepping for the evening, we can see the tension building inside Naomie. Homegirl is angry and ready to meet Peyton, the girl who may be moving in on her EX BOYFRIEND. Once at the party, everyone mingles and Naomie continues to side-eye Peyton, the blue unicorn. Enter: Craig. Now remember, these women are seemingly fighting over a man dressed as a pirate right down to the EARRING. Sigh. The heart wants what the heart wants. (Sidenote: JD enters dressed as Trump, as if we all needed another reason to hate him.)
At one point, Naomie finds herself at the bar with Austen who very innocently says to her, “You should meet Peyton- Peyton, this is Naomie.” Way. To. Go. Austen. Basically, Naomie wants to murderize Peyton and the poor girl never saw it coming. It takes Naomie t minus 10 seconds to explode on Peyton. She demands to know why Peyton is here all of a sudden and then proceeds to answer her own questions.“Because Charleston is such a hub for dog boutiques?” Way to blow up your stalking spot, Naomie. That’s social media 101. Don’t give away too much information that you find out.
Naomie goes next level and even tells Peyton, “Yea, I am better than you. You’re just so thirsty.” Hey Peyton- welcome to the neighborhood! Austen runs after a distraught Peyton and consoles her and then tries to play damage control with Naomie. Naomie is fired up and Craig comes over to see what’s going on. Craig is pleased to see that now the world can witness the crazy Naomie he has witnessed all of these years. “She usually stays behind the closed doors, but I guess she had to go out hunting. She’s scary as sh*t.” I love how Craig tells Naomie that she is “f*cking losing it” and once again, Craig is left talking to the back of Naomie’s head as she storms off. When is this guy gonna learn? Better give that life coach her money back, Craig…
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