Southern Charm Reunion Recap Part II: The Ashley Sh*t Show

by Julia Comments

Southern Charm Season 5 Reunion Kathryn Dennis and Ashley Jacobs

So last time, Cameran apology-cried and Kathryn’s boobs had their big debut. This time, Andy probes the rest of the cast and Thomas’s psycho girlfriend, Ashley, is crawling out from under the rock she came from for the Southern Charm reunion, part II.

Cam STILL cannot get a hold of her emotions as Andy asks Kathryn about her “missing moment” this season. Kathryn explains that she is back on her anti-depressants because she has depression, but that she’s happy that it was filmed. She says that it may make more people who are suffering feel less alone and ashamed. Cam, Kathryn’s new spokeswoman, states, “I think Kathryn’s depression has been circumstantial.” Duh. Whether you like Kathryn or not, she really hit the bottom big time, but she was able to show a better side of herself because of the support she felt over the course of the season.

Switching gears…Shep, the “brown-out” king, explains that his lifestyle is a bit better since he has stopped hanging out downtown. The cast members disagree based on the amount of women he sees each week, and Shep attempts to defend himself by saying he has changed…but “I’m not talking about women…I’m talking about lifestyle!” Yet somehow, Shep still manages to stay “clean.” Even Shep is shocked by this: “Yea! It’s amazing! It’s a miracle!” Andy reminds Shep that he clearly does not want a committed relationSHEP, despite being 38 years old. I mean, the guy can hardly handle hosting an “adult dinner party.”

Andy segues to the Shep-Kat relationship and Shep explains that Kathryn was “really good” in the past and that she should consider that “an endorsement.” Turns out, these two have hooked up at least 5 times! Evidently, “downtown” Charleston is like “Bourbon Street” and none of the men on this show can handle it. Take Austen, for instance. Andy explains, “Austen, when we started the season, you were fun-employed.” Anddddd he still is. Andy is baffled by this cast so much so that he asks, “Does anyone with a penis, besides me in this room, have any ambition?” Dang, Andy. Throwing shade. I mean, it is easy to do so whilst listening to Austen explain his “beer branding” and my eyes actually hurt from rolling so hard. Hopefully, Austen can start to make some money so he can actually pick up checks on dates. Chelsea lies and says, “I don’t mind picking up the check,” but she minded enough to tell other people about this issue. Chelsea continues to bash Austen by saying he actually gets things handed to him because his parents support him financially. Ouch.

Chelsea has actually been annoying me lately. No man is worthy of her love, except for her dog. She lets Andy know that she hears all of the scuttle-butt because people talk as she cuts their hair. Chelsea doesn’t hold back when she says, “Well I had a client that saw Thomas and Ashley arguing outside” and then that same client claimed to have heard Thomas tell Ashley, “You’re gonna send me back to prison.” DRAMA!

Andy addresses Chelsea’s emotional melt-down and her desire to be self-reliant. Chelsea tries to front and play hard to get, but the viewers think otherwise. Andy calls Chelsea out about her feelings towards Austen. I love it. I think she is the worst because she is the type of girl who says things like, “I don’t really seek men,” but then throws herself at Austen the moment he stops giving her attention and moves on. As much as I find Austen annoying, the poor guy totally got mixed messages. Chelsea blames “social media” for her flirtiness, but I call BS on that… Any hope of these two ever reconciling seems unlikely considering they both have significant others…but then again, that never stopped them before.

Ashley finally makes her way to the set. She is rail thin and looks stoned to the bejesus. Everyone is staring wide-eyed, mouth open as Ashley states, “I think if people understood my humor, then they wouldn’t have taken me so seriously.” Um…you were a complete jerk the ENTIRE season, and now you’re trying to say it was all just a joke? I think not, lady. Ashley further explains that “the pressure of filming” can be blamed on her skeletor frame…yet, the show has been wrapped up for quite some time. The faces the cast members are making as Ashley speaks are hilarious. It’s so entertaining…all of it. Particularly the part when Ashley tells Andy that Thomas is “very romantic and he does take very good care of me.” Yea. I’ll say. The best is when Ashley says, “I love scaring him and pranking him.” WHAT THE ACTUAL F*CK. Ashley then explains that she has seen a new Thomas…one that NEEDS to stay under the radar due to the recent allegations of rape. Ashley expects Thomas to be cleared of the charges.

Leave it to Andy to keep things awkward. He brings up the annual reunion “tradition” of Kathryn sleeping with Thomas and as Andy starts to put the timeline together regarding the Kathryn/Thomas sexcapade, you can see the entire cast gasp. Turns out, Thomas was seeing Ashley at the time, but don’t worry, ya’ll, Ashley states Thomas let her know. I’m sure of it.

Upon stating that Thomas ONLY has sex in the bedroom, Andy catches Kathryn muttering under her breath, “that’s not true.” Burnnnn. Andy is doing a fine job of making Ashley squirm and he doesn’t stop until he asks Ashley what she would say if Thomas proposed to her. For the first time ever, Ashley is uncharacteristically quiet until she says, “Let’s pump the breaks.” This girl is actually nuts. All season long she was begging for a ring, and nowwwww look at her. Ashley tries to defend the “gold-digger” comments by saying she has dated men with more money than him. Right. That makes it all okay then. Ashley continues to state that she is not “insecure,” despite season play-back that proves otherwise.

Regarding Patricia’s “Charleston make-over,” Ashley claims she feels bad for spending $10,000 on a shopping spree and that she was going to return it all the next day…buuut never did. Kathryn says that Thomas is a frugal person who never gave her anything and that he barely spends money, so it is odd that he would tell Ashley she “deserved” the spree. Of course Ashley spits back, “He did give you two children.”

Ashley’s lack of self-awareness is baffling, especially when she tells Kathryn, “My one biggest regret was going on the shopping spree with Patricia and not with” Kathryn. THAT’S HER BIGGEST REGRET OF THE SEASON?! I can’t with this lady. BTW: it turns out that the whole Patricia/Thomas falling out stems from Twitter. Like, how old is Thomas?!

When the topic of Saint’s birthday party gets brought up by Andy, Ashley gets automatically heated. Andy applauds Kathryn for her restraint and reads a viewer comment that says “Ashley is literally the devil.” LOL. Kathryn wasn’t the only one attacked by the wrath of Thomas and Ashley. Chelsea explains that she was “terrified” of the couple and Andy lets the dudes know that he was disappointed in them for not intervening. “Southern gentlemen, my a*s.”

Even Andy can’t handle Ashley. He reminds Ashley that Kathryn takes random drug tests and passes them every time. Kathryn tries to show Ashley how insane she is by saying, “You really are so out of touch that you are a complete a*shole.” You guys remember when Ashley told Chelsea, “just because you give birth doesn’t mean you’re a mother?” Ashley apologizes for bringing up the issues at the “time and place,” not the content of the fight. Ashley digs herself deeper by saying she meant every word she said…#Backhandedapology. Everyone tells Ashley that she is the old Kathryn. “Charleston’s a small town, Ashley, and what we hear is that it’s a pretty volatile relationship.” When asked about Chelsea’s rumor, Ashley takes the blame for the fight described and everyone on the sofa, including Andy, becomes uncomfortable. Ashley asks, “Is this an intervention, you guys?” The answer would be yes. When people tell you to “save yourself,” you should run, Ashley. “It’s like the Twilight Zone.”

While Andy addresses the new Kathryn/Patricia friendship, Ashley sits glossy-eyed and comatose. Someone check that girl’s pulse. She doesn’t even flinch when Naomie explains that she had “no problem calling Ashley an escort.” Kathryn gives this rumor more legs by saying, “I was told by Thomas that” Ashley “signed some sort of NDA.” Craig thinks that the only reason Thomas is still with Ashley is because she knows too much. I agree! Even Andy can’t handle this girl…Ten minutes earlier she said she wanted to pump the breaks with the marriage talk and then in the next breath she asks Andy to officiate her wedding with Thomas. I cannot keep up.

Kathryn doesn’t hold back in telling Ashley that she is wrong and disturbing. Ashley talks in circles and makes everything worse. It is evident that Ashley only hears Thomas’s side of the story and that Thomas enjoys showing Kathryn in an ugly light. Basically, Ashley is brainwashed by Thomas. Andy gives props to Kathryn for walking away from Ashley at Patricia’s ball and Kathryn lays into Ashley by saying, “You’re an unkind, hateful, sadistic person. Thank you. Done.” All Ashley has to say is, “I’m sorry you feel that way” and that she would “love to make amends,” despite not taking back anything she said about Kathryn. I can’t.

When Ashley finally gets off of the set, she cries to camera and actually admits to being “a little brainwashed” in the beginning of her relationship with Thomas. Furthermore, she states she felt completely unsupported during the reunion, but says she is “not ready to throw in the towel” yet with her one true love: Thomas.

Despite #HurricaneAshley, the cast did stick together through breakups, babies, and injuries. Andy makes his way around the couch and asks his crush Craig if he would ever get back with Naomie. The former couple agree that they have no future together. I’m pretty sure I saw Andy blush at this news. Shep feels old, Cam is a mom, Chelsea “is happy for Austen in his new relationship,” and Kathryn has come “out of it on top.” The cast says goodbye to the season with Austen’s beer (it DOES exist, ya’ll!) and Austen gives a final toast: “cheers to those who wish us well, and those who don’t can rot in hell!” That’s a wrap for this season of Southern Charm.