Hello, Blurbers! After a first season filled with laughs, cries, screams, and yells, we have now arrived at the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City three-part reunion! The set is decked out as a winter wonderland, and the women are socially-distanced and ready to roll, so grab your ski goggles and hot cocoa because we have A LOT to get through.
Before we get to the recap, let’s discuss the ladies’ outfits, shall we? After viewing the reunion trailer last week, I immediately thought of my mom’s gift wrapping closet, and I still stand by that assessment. Heather Gay looks like a wedding gift collecting dust on a shelf. Lisa Barlow looks like wrinkled tissue paper from a housewarming gift bag. Whitney Rose looks like a Valentine’s Day card with boobs. Meredith Marks looks like a New Year’s Eve party favor. Jen Shah looks like holiday wrapping paper after it has been torn to shreds. And Mary Cosby looks like a fur-trimmed wine sleeve — impractical in every way possible, just like good ol’ Mary. Now onto the recap!
After a brief sequence of the women getting their hair and makeup done, we start off with the usual business of the cast members kissing Andy Cohen’s ass, which we all know he just LOVES. Andy asks Heather about Rihanna DMing her, and as Heather humbly discusses her exchange with the pop princess, Lisa is positively FUMING with jealousy. Haha. I’m going to go ahead and guess that no pop stars slipped into her DMs, boohoo.
Next, we get a little montage of the ladies partying throughout the season, and it really does look like they had a grand old time, doesn’t it? Andy had no idea “thumbs up” means ‘f*ck you’ (neither did I), and Lisa explains that it’s more about the intention behind a thumbs up. You know… the ol’ passive-aggressive thumbs up emoji when you’re angry with someone. Makes sense to me!
Andy asks Heather about her fascination with meat lollipops, and she’s all, “Yup! I love fun food!” There’s no shame in her meatball game. Then, Mary is asked about why her hair was so terrible throughout the season. She warbles that her beautician wasn’t available (all season long, huh?), and while she finds the comments made about her hair hurtful, Mary admits, “Yeah, my hair was bad. It was bad.”
Whitney is asked about the “big” swinger community in Salt Lake City, and she claims to know a number of people that are into it. This is interesting to me. I’ve lived in SLC for a lonnnng time and am only aware of a rumored swingers club… that’s supposed to be in my neighborhood. LOL. These types of things are typically hush-hush, so why does Whitney know so much about swingers here if she’s not into it? Also, did anyone get a good look at the size of her hot tub when Jen came over? That thing could fit a Bacchian orgy, no problem.
Next, Andy asks Meredith if she was appalled by Jen making fun of Brooks’ sweatsuit collection, and Meredith sniffs, “100%.” Jen defends herself by saying there was only one tracksuit in the collection, so technically, it wasn’t a fashion line [every viewer nods along in agreement], but Meredith angrily booms, “He should be commended, not criticized!” That was a nice little glimpse into why Brooks is such a spoiled brat. Meredith totally enables him.
Jen gets asked about throwing a party for Meredith but making it all about herself. She denies she made it all about her (UH HUH), and she says she just wanted to show off her Polynesian culture. Meredith isn’t particularly bugged by how Jen hosted the party, but she doesn’t understand why they didn’t celebrate Lisa’s birthday as well, which was on the actual day of the party. We get a clip show of previously unshown scenes of Lisa wishing herself a happy birthday at the party, and Blurbers, I laughed.
Heather chimes in, “At least Jen threw Meredith a party. Lisa didn’t throw her a party.” Lisa whines, “What bothered me about the party was how some of the girls treated me on my birthday.” She claims that Heather brushed HER off, but the video evidence shows that it was the other way around. After Mary steps in to stand up for Heather, Lisa snaps at Heather, “You’re a pathological liar. Stop talking.” Now, THIS is the bitchy reunion Lisa I was waiting for!
Andy stirs the pot some more by reminding Lisa she called Heather a “good-time girl.” Lisa claims one of her friends told her that Heather used to press her boobs against glass windows. Heather denies this, but I really want to believe it happened because that is hilarious to imagine. Heather and Lisa go back and forth over how long they’ve known each other, and since this segment is stupid, Andy wants to move on, but Lisa is like “HOLD ON. I’m not done. Haather, what’s our history? Prove ett.”
Next, all of Lisa’s snide comments about Whitney working the stripper pole are put on blast, and Andy asks Whitney if she thinks Lisa is jealous of her moves. “I actually don’t think Lisa is jealous of me. I just think she thinks she’s better than me.” Lisa counters, “I don’t think thaat. I’ve never said thaat, and I don’t feel thaat.” She admits to thinking Whitney’s “twerking” at Sharrieff’s party was inappropriate because she did it in front of someone’s husband, but Heather calls Lisa out: “Who did YOU do the splits in front of?” HA!
Moving on, Andy asks Mary, the self-appointed fashionista of the group, “What in the green loofah hell were you wearing at Meredith’s birthday party?” Mary says her Valentino loofah-oofah dress and white tights were HOT, and not everyone can pull it off.
Now, it’s time to discuss JEN, and we see a rough montage of her multiple outbursts throughout the season. It starts with Jen tearfully visiting her father’s grave — then violence, violence, violence — and ends with her emotional scene with Sharrieff, where she tells him she drinks to numb her anger towards him. Heather starts crying during this scene, and it turns out both her AND Mary’s dads both died last April. Huh.
Well, it’s not a Housewives reunion without Andy misogynistically asking everyone about plastic surgery, and Jen swears up and down that she hasn’t had anything done. Okay, okay, maybe her nose, but the rest of her facework is just fillers and Botox. If that’s really the case, Jen, STOP SIGN. Andy also asks if Whitney’s boobs got bigger since filming, and she admits to ordering up some new huge gazungas during the pandemic.
Everyone (including me!) wants to know what Jen actually does to pay for four assistants, and she nonchalantly explains she runs a lot of businesses. Andy presses Jen, “But what do you do to make so much money?” She responds that her background is in direct response marketing, so… you know when you fight with your boyfriend online, and the next day, a bunch of ads about couple’s counseling and/or dating apps pop up on your phone? SHAH is behind those creepy algorithms!
Next, a “reader” (does anyone else think it’s just Andy and his minions asking the questions, and not, say, Wanda from Chattanooga?) asks Jen that since Sharrieff isn’t a head football coach, why couldn’t he have taken time off for her father’s funeral? She responds that head coaches actually have more leniency than cornerback coaches like Sharrieff, so his rigorous schedule didn’t allow him to come home when her dad died.
Once Sharrieff did miss the funeral, hoo boy, Jen didn’t realize how much anger she held onto. And as we all have seen this season, she held onto A LOT. Andy wonders why, since Sharrieff seems so supportive and caring, Jen had a hard time talking to him about her anger over the funeral. I’m sure Cheshire Cohen wanted a juicier answer than this, but Jen simply responds that it was hard to talk to Sharrieff because he was gone all the time.
The topic of Jen’s many, many tantrums is brought up, and Jen says she was going through a lot, and she’s not proud of her behavior, but shit happens. Man, where is Kimberly Friedmutter when we need her? It’d be GREAT if the Vegas hypnotist were sitting next to Jen at the reunion, interrupting her anytime she tries to qualify her awful behavior.
Mary pops her eyes and stutters, “I think Jen’s more temperamental at me, and when my name comes up, it’s a trigger.” Lisa retorts, “See, I dessagree with thaat,” but before she can finish, Mary throws her under the bus: “See, you told me that… you asked me… why does Jen treat me the way she does… I’m confused why it’s every single time. You said that.” Did you catch all that? If so, maybe you can explain Mary Talk to me in the comments section.
Both Heather and Whitney agree with Mary that she’s a trigger for Jen, and Jen defends herself by bringing up HOSPITAL SMELLGATE. Andy asks Heather if she ever got an apology from Jen after she screamed at Heather at the ’20s party, and Heather says NEWP. Jen limply apologizes NOW, and Andy points out that it’s interesting it took her over a year to do so. Mary tells Heather she should pick friends that are friends back to her. Jen quips, “Maybe you should take your own advice.” Mary shoots back, “I don’t want to be friends with you. That’s the difference. Do you understand that?” Zing!
Jen’s high kicks in front of Meredith’s kids get brought up, and Andy asks, “Did they see her vagina?” Meredith responds, “Yes,” and then Jen attests, “I had no idea they could see it!” I remember watching this scene, and maybe I’m wrong, but Jen’s legs looked like they were turned away from Brooks? Meredith’s son strikes me as the type that, um, has a flair for dramatics, so it’s possible he was exaggerating. Or, maybe Jen showed him her bush. Who knows.
Jen thinks that while she was at Meredith’s house, Brooks was just upset that he caught Meredith SMOKING, and Meredith scoffs at this assessment. She once again brings up Jen’s post about Brooks on social media, and apparently, Jen called Brooks “white privelaged.” [Jen’s spelling, not mine.] Meredith also alleges that Jen secretly filmed Meredith smoking, which… WHUT.
Andy asks if the other women sympathize with Jen having a further understanding of why she acts out. Whitney nods, Heather says yes, and Mary — who I must remind everyone is a pastor of a church — remarks, “Yes, everyone had sympathy for Jen except for me. I just get attacked. They understand the malicious treatment I get, but they, they, seem to run to her rescue.”
Lisa chides Mary, “Thaat was snarky. Thaat was not nice. I am kind to both of you.” Mary, who CLEARLY has had a lot on her mind, tells Lisa she’s not kind to her. I think Mary might have been able to get some of this animosity toward her cast members out during the season if she didn’t sit there in her closet while the others went to events with each other.
Anyways, enough about Mary. Now, we turn our attention to Lisa and her LAAVE for herself (credit to commenter Blah for hilariously nailing Lisa’s ‘LAAVE’ voice). We see a montage of Lisa acting big and mighty throughout the season, and I 100% forgot about that weird fight over Lisa supplying tequila at Whitney’s wedding.
Andy asks Lisa, “What if there was an emergency with your kids and you didn’t answer your phone while at Sundance? Is your ambition more important than your family?” F*ck that question. If Lisa were a man, do you think her devotion to her family would be questioned like this? Hell to the No. Anyway, Lisa responds, “We have a nanny, a concierge doctor (huh?) on-call; plus I’m married to an amaazing guyee thaat laaks being involved in our kids’ lives. My kids are everything to me. If you want to make me cry, talk to me about my children.”
Moving on, Andy asks Whitney if she were a swinger, who on the cast would she get with. Whitney responds, “To be honest? Meredith.” (No one’s asking me, but for the record, I’d pick Heather. She seems fun.) The conversation switches back to Lisa’s better than thou attitude. Whitney tells her she’s not nice, and Mary snarks, “You’ve got a stick up your butt.” Lisa thinks people misinterpret her directness as bitchy, and she asserts that she’s actually warm and nurturing.
Heather gives Lisa some hard truth, and she tells her she’s sitting in a room with women who are saying she is not treating them well. Mary brings up Lisa telling the other women to take what she says with a grain of salt, and when Jen tries to chime in, Pastor Mary snaps, “Nobody’s talking to you.” LOL. Mary has such a hard-on for Jen. She then tells Lisa, “I don’t make people feel less-than.” Record scratch! Someone PLEASE roll the tape of all the moments Mary dressed down Jen, Charlinda, the band member she called fat, her congregants, that friend at Meredith’s birthday that she dismissed from the conversation… you get my drift.
Andy asks Lisa why she got so mad at Whitney for pointing out the bad behavior of her bartenders at Whitney’s wedding. Lisa clarifies that they were not HER bartenders. Whitney tries to bust out printouts of texts, but when Andy comes over to look at the RECEIPTS, he squints his eyes and says, “This is a bad Xerox, babe. I can’t even read this.” LOLOLOL.
Quite frankly, I do not know where Whitney is coming from on this one. If Lisa merely supplied FREE tequila for the wedding, and she had nothing to do with the bartenders that served at the wedding, then why would Whitney go complaining to Lisa about the mess? If you throw any kind of party with booze, it’s bound to get messy, so thanks for making me defend Lisa, Whitney!
Heather and Whitney tell Lisa that she’s a mean girl and a bitch, and holy sh*t, I think Lisa is actually crying! Andy asks Heather and Whitney if they actually want to be friends with Lisa, and Heather says, “No, no, no. I don’t.” Lisa says she only has so much energy to give, and she says that based on the things Heather said about her on the show, Lisa’s DMs were flooded with people calling her a bitch, dismissive, a bad mom, a Taco Bell eater, etc. The tension is THICK, annnd… the story continues next week.
On Part 2 of the RHOSLC reunion, Mary talks more about hospital smells, Meredith makes it clear she’s not friends with a cast member (that rhymes with hen), Lisa and Meredith fight (!), and Mary is grilled about her fear of Black men standing in front of convenience stores. WHEW, this reunion is DELIVERING, Blurbers! See you next week!
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