The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: Dorit Calls Teddi a ‘Psycho’

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RHOBH Recap Birthday Fever Dorit Teddi

Is it me or are these Real Housewives of Beverly Hills women forever celebrating birthdays?! Also, can someone please just tape Dorit’s mouth shut to stop this madness for once and for all?

Erika’s outfits just keep getting better and better. Like, it’s day time. Did anyone get a load of her pumps?! Kyle meets up with Erika to shop and Erika talks briefly about her husband Tom. And by briefly I mean she shares how she enjoys HIS lifestyle and how much HER lifestyle changed once she married him. Erika states: “Mother f*cker, I AM pretty woman.” Please- let’s be clear. You will never ever be Julia Roberts. Anyway, Erika brings up how Dorit is throwing PK a 50th birthday party- more specifically, a 007 party since, according to Dorit, PK’s” like my James Bond.” Uh….ok. Kyle and Erika drop mad dough in a matter of .4 seconds and head on back to their fabulous lives.

Evidently, Rinna bribed someone to put her on “Days of Our Lives” and “The Middle.” She is beyond excited since she basically says that she is “getting old.” After getting a text from her daughter regarding another puppy, Rinna throws herself a one woman pity party where she complains she just doesn’t have the time to have a new puppy in the house between “The Middle,” QVC, her “momager” duties…. Stop. It. Right. Now.

Teddi loves horses, guys! Have you forgotten? Don’t worry- she will remind you. LVP and Teddi meet up for a quick horse ride, since LVP has a private hook-up at some fabulous stable. Must be amazing to be LVP. Post trotting, the ladies (and Giggy, and Ken) sit down for some tea and muffins, minus the muffins for Teddi* (*note- she used to be 210 pounds…another note, I still am not buying it, despite how many times Bravo shows that picture). Teddi shares how she had an awful time at her spa day party. She didn’t enjoy the girls, so therefore it’ll be a LONG time before she hosts another function, especially at her beach house.

Dorit wishes to host a “very exclusive glamorous event” for her hubby, PK, and thus decides on holding the party on a yacht. LVP joins her to help her plan the party and spend PK’s money…on his own birthday. Did you follow that? Oh and btw, PK and Dorit are gonna fly over the boat in a helicopter. No biggie. Dorit ALSO shares that Boy George, a family friend, suggested that she AND Boy George sing a song at the party. In true LVP style, she doesn’t sugarcoat the fact that this is a terrible idea, but dumb- as-bricks-Dorit does not catch on. She does however catch on to the fact that LVP and Teddi hung out. Dorit also does not appreciate that Teddi is STILL talking about her. This time it has to do with wine and champagne glasses… WHY.

Kyle and Mauricio head out for a double date with Teddi and her husband. I feel like Teddi’s husband, Edwin, is a bizarro version of Tamra Judge’s husband, Eddie. The couples discuss Teddi’s beach house, which boasts twin beds. I know…can you imagine?! Twin beds?! JK. Teddi then shares how her husband fan-girled over her father, John Mellencamp, the first time he met him. I am enjoying this double date thoroughly as I sort of have crushes on both husbands, but I digress…

Hold up, ya’ll—Erika Jayne’s “back to the scene of the crime” to help out Dorit’s performance with Boy George for PK’s birthday party. It is like a train wreck. And I cannot stop watching. Erika’s main guy, Mikey, steps into “creative director” mode and thus begins the Erika Jayne boot camp. There’s booty popping, smizing, and hip shaking. Boy George just stands there like “whaaaaaa” and it is HILARIOUS. All of it.

RHOBH Recap Dorit Kemsley Singing Boy George

Dorit Kemsley sings with Boy George at PK’s Birthday Party

D –Day has arrived: Dorit’s singing performance…I mean PKs party. Somehow, this surprise has actually stayed a surprise. The poor guy has no idea what’s coming and I sort of think that Dorit should supply him with ear plugs. It’s only fair. While Dorit does her best to get her hubby to the party, the rest of the girls shuffle onto the yacht wearing inappropriate heels and dresses. Once the yacht sets off, so does the helicopter. How do people like this exist?! They land on the HELIPAD on the YACHT and enter the 007 party. It’s nice to see that PK was legit surprised and it is also nice to see PK’s parents there from London. Very sweet. It’s unfortunate that in reality HE has to pay for his own party. Too soon?

I don’t know what’s more ridiculous? The casino upstairs on the yacht? The fact that Rinna just referred to herself as an “actress?” Or the upcoming singing performance with Dorit’s “slow, languid cat-like moves?” I can’t… I will say that I do agree with Erika…it DOES take a lot of “balls” to do a show like that, so hats off to Dorit. I just hope she doesn’t decide that singing her passion. There’s only room for ONE performer in this cast, and that is THE Erika Jayne.

Of COURSE the night can’t end until Teddi and Dorit have a sit-down. “Here we go again…” Trust me, Teddi. I am JUST as exhausted with this plot line as you are. Late, glasses, time, champagne. Blah. Blah. Blah. Kyle and LVP just so happen to mosey on over to Dorit and Teddi and insert themselves directly into the situation. Teddi doesn’t “give a f*ck about the glass” and Dorit is doing a wonderful job of making everything worse. Dorit points a finger at Kyle, calling her “Teddi’s mouthpiece” and I feel like Kyle’s face sums up the entire BS. And then…it happens again. Dorit’s stupid mouth spits out that Teddi is a “psycho.” Not surprisingly, they hug. Say it’s over. But then again…will it ever REALLY be over?! Please say YES.

Photos Credit: Nicole Weingart/Bravo