It has been a long five years without Jersey Shore. I grew up watching the OG crew in Seaside Heights, NJ and the memories are flooding back: the gel, the fights, the fake tans, the DUCK PHONE. I am so excited to finally say, they’re baaaaaaaack….“ Yea, buddy!”
“It’s t-shirt time!” Not much has changed with this crew………..except that Snooki’s skinnier and JWoww has a legit new face. NBD. We get a glimpse into everyone’s 2018 life. Snook’s has a house full of “tan guidos” and is a mother of two. JWoww’s married to Roger. You remember him from back in the day. She also has two kids and three goldfish. Very important to add that.
Paulie D is TRULY the “number one guido” living an absolutely ridiculous life in Vegas, DJing like a boss and swimming in wealth. Ronnie, also living in Vegas, is tanner than I ever thought a human could possibly be and is a soon-to-be dad. No…Sammi Sweetheart is not carrying his child. That would be incredible and such a fun plot twist.
Vinnie has his OWN house now in Staten Island, but that doesn’t stop his mom from washing his clothes and cooking his meals. Momma seems to approve of Vin’s new girlfriend so that’s good. Deena is “a little classier, but still a meatball.” She is married and shares some news: her father passed away a few months ago, but she plans to go wild in Miami cuz he would be cheering her on to do so. (My God…can we discuss the backdrop of Deena’s confessional? “I’m a little meatball.” I love this so hard.)
And then there’s Mike, “The Situation.” He lives with his gf in Long Branch, NJ and is going through a serious court case: The United States vs. The Situation. Never fear- he beat the crap out of a wall back in the Italy season, so chances are, he will do FINE battling the government. (Um, I’m not as confident. Tax evasion is a PRETTY serious crime.)
Snooki claims that now that everyone is “cruising” in their lives, this is the perfect time for everyone to get together. Snooki, Deena, and JWoww head Seaside bound before flying to Miami. How could it be a family reunion without the chicks popping into Danny’s t-shirt shop? The one they worked in on the boardwalk! They make matching shirts for everyone and Snooks steals the duck phone because….she hasta.
Mike, The Situation, states that he is “under construction” and goes to meet Vinnie in da gym. Vinnie has become “Skinnie Vinnie” and I couldn’t agree more with his mother: “As long as you don’t lose your butt. You have a beautiful butt.” He is legit whittling away, but I digress. Mike shares with Vinnie that “The Situation lives with integrity.” I need to be honest, I am so sad he isn’t gonna be raging this fam trip, but I do understand that he does have a serious court case pending. #pleadeal. According to Snooki, “prison is no joke. Like orange is the new black.”
Pauly D. admits that although he lives in Vegas and Ronnie lives in Vegas, the guys don’t hang out that often. Obviously the fellas choose to reunite at the gym and the old buddies dive right into a catch-up sesh. According to Pauly, Sammi’s new boyfriend looks “exactly” like Ron. Interesting! Ron then shares that post the Seaside house, they moved in together but Sam gave Ron an ultimatum. And that, ladies, is how to make a man cheat. I kid. But seriously. That was what happened with these lovebirds.
Ronnie then drops a bombshell to Pauly: “I’m having a kid, bro!” Pauly is a dad, too, and he explains that “this is grown man sh*t.” You can tell that Pauly is bummed he’s now the only single person in this house, but let’s see how Ron does after a few fruity drinks at the club.
As everyone gets pumped up, Mike kills the mood with some #realtalk. He lets Vinnie know that he won’t be joining everyone down in Miami. “To say I’m disappointed right now is an understatement.” The Sober Situation has to hang back while the rest of the fam heads south. Whatta bummer. Man….I wonder what Seaside Situation would say to 2018 Situation?!
Despite The Situational set-back, the family gathers in a “mother f*ckin compound” down in Miami. As the girls walk in, Snooki shrieks, “Ew. We’re like rich.” This house is beyond amazing. It’s almost unfair to have these trolls bunking up for a while. Everyone begins arriving, one liners are thrown back and forth, and I believe that RonRon wins as he gets greeted by Snooki. She makes fun of his highlights, and he retorts back to Snooki, “What’d ya get a new face?” One point for Ron.
Back at casa di Situation, Mike dresses like he’s a member of Men in Black and rolls out to the most important case of his life. When Skinnie Vinnie makes it to the house solo, everyone is amped to see him, but he comes bearing scary news. Today’s The Situation’s court case. I love how they are more angry that Mike may not be able to come to Miami….but are missing the part that he may not come cuz he could go to the SLAMMER. #priorities.
Later at the house, Pauly whips out a life-sized Sammi Sweatheart. This doll says all the classic Sam lines and it’s even wearing a “I’m in a really good place t-shirt.” It’s actually hilarious and frightening all at the same time. Now almostttttttt everyone is back together.
Once settled in, the girls pass out their t-shirts and whip out the duck phone. “You cannot have a Jersey Shore house without the duck phone.” This may be the only time in my life I could agree with RonRon. Obviously, the first call on the duck phone is from The Situation. He shares the news: he pleaded guilty and then the judge “allowed him to come down to Miami.” Naturally. I’m not sure why everyone’s so excited to have Mike come. I mean, he doesn’t even has his whole “situation” on fleek.
It’s the first night of vaca and everyone’s getting amped up to go out. “We’re back, b*tches!” It’s amazing to see the crew partying, especially since they are more used to “GTB-Gym Tan Baby.” According to JWoww, “It’s like a weird era.” Even Snooki admits that “I don’t think anyone fist pumps anymore.” When they dance, you can totally tell their age. They’re legit one year away from the mom step-touch dance. I mean, did you see Vin’s beat the beat up segment? #Cringeworthy.
As the night goes on, Snooks can’t hang…and Pauly D is p*ssed that he hasta leave the club cuz he found the girl of his dreams. #meatballproblems. Vinnie is so right: “We are not these wiser, mature people. We are still the same sh*t show that was around five years ago.”
There are six drunk guidos and there’s no power back at the house. Snooki decides peeing in the pool would be the best idea ever… “epic first night.” The group orders four pizzas and they all stare at Skinnie Vinnie as if he is growing a third eyeball as he chooses (even drunk) to avoid the carbs, per his new diet. “Vinnie, stop that. Eat the crust.” “He’s like a pelican nipping at it.” “We eat carbs. We’re Italian. It’s allowed.” “This guy ate six slices of straight pepperoni and cheese.” LOL.
I’m loving Pauly with the giant flashlight outside. Spotlight’s on Ron as he brings up Sam, again. Deena is salty AF because Ron never reached out to her when her father passed. Ron admits, selfishly, that the reason he never sent his condolences was because Deena is friends with Sam. Wait, what? These are two very different issues, Ron. He realizes that he messed up and apologizes to Deena and everyone can move on. Phew.
The next morning, everyone’s essentially dead and piecing together the previous night’s antics. There’s still no power, there are ants everywhere, and the house is an absolute disaster. Somehow they all pull themselves together enough to grab some food, discuss plastic surgery, and cry about how much they miss their children. No fishbowl drink is gonna cure that sadness, ladies. JWoww and Snooki feel some serious “mom guilt.”
While the crying moms have stopped long enough to become “moms gone wild,” the V and the P, of MVP, bounce to go get Mike from the airport, to round out MVP. The Situation realizes now just what exactly he got his sober-self into. Vinnie explains to Mike that everything is pretty much the same as five years ago, but “there are some new faces in the house. Nicole’s face has the price tag hanging off of it.” One point for Vin.
RonRon is loving his “Dad-chelor” party and The Sober Situation is amped up to start his vacation with his “best friends.” He gets one hell of a greeting from his squad and I didn’t realize just how much everyone really loves the new Mike. As the drinks flow, I can’t even imagine what the hell is going on in Mike’s head- the women, the booze. At least “The Situation is now The Designation.” Touché.
When the crew gets back to the compound, the power’s back on and everyone feels rejuvenated. LOVE seeing Pauly chowing down on a banana post day drinking. Amazing drunk-food choice. As Ron puts some fresh blue laces into his blue kicks, the boys prepare for………..t-shirt time. Everyone is decked for the snazzy “welcome Mike” dinner party, girls in one cab, boys in the other. The housemates decide on the Delano for dinner…a fancy schmancy place that they have no business being in, but cheers to Mike. The memories of Mike were not always the best, but at the end of the day, everyone is so “honored to call” Mike their friend, even Ronnie. #belikemike.
Post dinner, Snooki explains that her and Deena are “much classier meatballs” as they chug wine now, instead of vodka. They take a break from wine sipping and decide that the Sammi doll needs to go. The fact that the doll is spewing out Sam one-liners whilst the meatballs attempt to drown it is incredible. The doll makes it into the pool, but the voice box still won’t stop. Typical Sammi.
The late-night party comes to a halt as Snooki realizes she has lost her ring. She is LOSING her mind about her ring so much so that she decides…she is going home. “She is triggered.” If Snooki leaves this house, my heart will break. I mean, what’s the Jersey Shore without the queen meatball herself?! God I love this show.
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