Vanderpump Rules Season Finale Recap: Lost Cause

by Julia Comments

Vanderpump Pump Rules Recap Welcome to TomTom

Ah…the season finale of Vanderpump Rules. I’d like to say that over the course of the season, these people have grown up, become successful, and actually have thriving, mature relationships, but where’s the fun in that?! Stay sloppy, Pump crew.

It’s almost time for the TomTom reveal party! To prepare, Sandoval’s busy shaving his forehead and warning Ariana that the straightener is on: “be careful” (holy role-reversal). As he primps, he shares with Ariana that he is way nervous for the evening because people are gonna get a little taste of “what’s to come with TomTom.” On the other hand, there’s Schwartzie, the other Tom in TomTom. He could not be MORE different than his “business partner,” Sandoval. I mean, the guy hardly brushes his teeth and wear slide sandals 24/7.

What is with these men and their slide on shoes?! They are fully decked from head to toe…I’m talking sport coat and cologne and then…sandals! Even Jax has jumped on this bandwagon. You can tell he is nervous about the night to come because he knows that his ex, Brittany, will be at this event.

Don’t worry, Jax. She appears to be over you. At least that’s what she is telling Stassi as they get ready for the night. Brittany also shares with Stassi that she will not be moving back to Kentucky, but the newest drama is that Jax is threatening to stay in the building and get an apartment down the hall once he moves out. Talk about awkward. But never fear. Stassi knows allllllllll about awkward relationships, as she is currently in one. “Being in a fight with Patrick is awful.” When are these two NOT fighting? Do they ever get along?

Meanwhile, over at LVP’s castle, Ken is BEYOND over this whole ordeal…and is less than thrilled about being rushed off for some restaurant opening. He is especially exhausted when LVP begins rambling on and on about Jax. It’s as if he just…shuts her off…and only cares about what “Giggy is gonna wear tonight.” LOL.

Over at the TomTom site, Sandoval states, “Some people probably just see a construction site, but me, I see a grand entrance.” I’m sure you do, Sandoval. I’m sure you do. I wish he saw what his outfit looked like a little more clearly considering he looks like some sort of Broadway clown, but I digress. At the end of the day, it’s all very impressive that Tom 1 and Tom 2 were able to pull this whole thing off. I’m so happy to see everyone dressed appropriately for the TomTom reveal party AT A CONSTRUCTION SITE (see: LaLa & Scheana). Um, excuse me. Why is no one wearing their hard hats?!

Leave it to Jax to make that “grand entrance” Sandoval was talking about. You know drama is most definitely gonna go down later on. Saved by the ACTUAL OWNERS of TomTom. Glad to see LVP and Ken finally make it to the event. Anyone else notice how Jax shimmies up to the bar riiiiiiight next to LVP? He is such a snake. I mean, Bravo even inserts rattlesnake sound effects when LVP speaks to Jax.

The crew throws back frozen shots and hangs out whilst Scheana makes a fool of herself in that pink hard hat. The “relationship” she has with Rob is 100% cringe-worthy. Speaking of cringe-worthy, James shares that he heard Brittany went home with a dude from In and Out the other night. For the record, I’m cringing over Brittany’s choice in fast-food. And then over the rumor. In that order.

OF COURSE LVP finds her new fave, LaLa. She demands to hear all about LaLa’s “performance” and LVP is insanely proud of her. It’s almost a heartfelt moment, and then I remember how LaLa was air-grinding and pelvic thrusting. LVP seems to have gotten drunk off of Sandoval’s frozen shot because she is complimenting the Toms left and right. “I look at all of you, and so many of you, I’ve watched you grow up”…and LVP is so happy and proud to call Sandoval and Schwartzie her “junior partners.”

Later at Pump, Patrick, Stassi’s boyfriend, rolls up. He DOES exist! He seems less than thrilled to have showed up and couldn’t seem less interested in the whole scenario…as opposed to Adam, the bar back, who is legit drooling over Brittany. The dude is moving in rather quickly, wouldn’t you say?

Anddd…There ya have it. LVP said it herself: she IS wasted. I mean, what else could explain her shelling out extra cash to James Kennedy and offering him his job back?! “That’s James Kennedy 1, Jax Taylor, 0.” Sad, but true point brought to you by James.

Another sad but true moment occurs when LVP “officially” meets Patrick, Stassi’s boo. Patrick is rude, dry, and the opposite of funny, particularly when he tells LVP, “I liked watching you walk away to be honest with you.” Patrick spits out jerky phrases to LVP and it’s very clear that he has no idea he is talking to royalty. #amateur. Way to make a lasting impression, creep.

Here it is, ladies and gentlemen. What we all have been waiting for: the Brittany/Jax event. Brittany slams Jax and lets him know “that he’s not gonna manipulate” her anymore. She is done getting “tormented” by Jax and states that she deserves so much better. Jax claims he was “trying to do the right thing” by breaking up with Brittany and that he is taking the apartment that he shared with Brittany. I think they should just live in hotels, since that’s what they’ve already been doing, but…

In the mean time, Katie explains to LVP that Stassi is “tightly wound” whenever she is around Patrick. Upon getting wind of that info, LVP legit runs over to the table where Patrick and Stassi are moping around. Patrick has a ‘tude for days and states, “I think we are all good,” to LVP, but “I still think you have a good a*s.” Uh. Gross. Is he super drunk? What in the world?! And why is Stassi apologizing to Patrick when he’s the type of dude who BLOCKS HER ON ALL FORMS OF SOCIAL MEDIA?! #boyfriend.

Like a mob boss, LVP calls Jax over for a talking to. Jax tries to lighten the mood by complimenting LVP, but she has had it with him. In true Jax style, he states, “I have ruined everybody’s life.” Self important, much? According to LVP, Jax is a “player” and she wants to see him “grow the f*ck up.” Jax cries to LVP and begs her to accept his apology. LVP states she is not firing him because she refuses to let him be the “victim.” Instead, LVP suggests Jax hand in his resignation and Jax simply says he “doesn’t deserve to be working there.” Insert eye roll here. Let me go grab my violin…

LVP narrates the end of the episode and says, “I see LaLa growing up, I see James doing better…and I am emotionally involved with these kids.” Problem is, they aren’t kids anymore. They’re old. And they know better. But just because they know better, doesn’t mean they DO better. This reunion is gonna be veryyyyyyyy interesting to say the least.

Photo by: Nicole Weingart/Bravo