Welcome back! Last week, on part one of the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City reunion, Andy lobbed softball questions at Jen Shah over her reckless behavior all season, Mary Cosby found her VOICE (it’s still mumbo jumbo, but meaner), Lisa Barlow snobbishly held her own as Heather Gay and Whitney Rose gunned for her, and Meredith Marks cried, “Won’t someone PLEASE think of my son’s tracksuits!” Feelings were hurt, alliances were made, and the tension was THICK, so let’s jump right back in for part two!
You better buckle up, because most of this episode is about Mary. We start off with a montage of her highly erratic behavior, which is kind of fun when it’s all strung together, but nevertheless disturbing. In case you forgot, Ms. Cosby married her step-grandfather, and when asked if they slept together on their first night together, she says, “No. Thank goodness I was on my period.” [Cringe.]
Andy asks Mary about getting her sweat glands removed. Mary explains she has “hygenitis”, but I think she means Hidradenitis, a nasty skin condition. “My immune system kept attacking my odor glands, and 70% of my body was infected by boils.” Andy looks like he’s about to throw up, and he asks Heather, “You’re in the beauty business. Have you ever heard of it?” Heather says, “No, but I, like, want to market it. So can you remove all your odor glands so you don’t have B.O.?” Mary curtly responds, “No.”
Next, Mary is asked about her mean words about Jen’s hospital smells. Jen thinks Mary’s words were hurtful, particularly because of the circumstances. Also, “I never went to the hospital that day, so when I walked in, Mary couldn’t have been smelling hospital.” Mary doubles down on the hospital smells. “Why would I make that up? It’s silly.” Andy remarks, “So your odor glands were removed, but your sense of smell is very strong.” Mary thinks this is a dig for some reason.
Jen counters, “Given the trauma that my family was going through, don’t you think you were being insensitive?” Mary grumbles, “Well, how many times can I possibly apologize?” (Cute little side story: My husband got me a YOU SMELL LIKE HOSPITAL coffee mug for Christmas, which I will proudly feature in the comments section of this post.)
Moving on, the topic of Mary’s fear of 7-Elevens is brought up. She says she has a fear of men standing in front of convenience stores, and even though there is video evidence proving otherwise, Mary clarifies that she meant ALL men, not just Black men. Meredith awakes from her Xanax-induced coma to come to Mary’s defense. “At that luncheon, my impression was that Mary was referring to sketchy people outside of 7-Elevens, and not a racial issue.”
Jen reiterates that Mary actually did say Black people, and then Mary blurts out, “My taste for Black guys. That’s not my taste.” Everyone in the room looks extremely uncomfortable. Andy asks, “Your taste is not for Black guys?” Mary replies, “No.” “So you prefer white guys?” Mary shrugs ‘yes.’
Andy reminds Mary, “I mean you’re married to a Black guy.” Her response? “Well, he’s white. I mean, he’s lighter.” Okay, I needed to take a breather after this statement. What in the ever-living f*ck is the matter with this woman?? I am admittedly naïve to internal racism among African Americans, but between Mary’s comments about Black men in front of 7-Elevens, her assertion that Robert Sr. is white, AND my suspicion that both Mary and Robert bleach their skin… I mean, what else can this be called? WTF?!
We need to move on. Andy brings up Jen calling Mary a “grandpa f*cker,” and Jen finally pulls a page from Kimberly Friedmutter’s Book of Apologies, and she atones without any qualifiers. Heather rolls her eyes at this, and now it’s time for some real talk: I’m really not digging this side of Heather.
It seems like SOMEONE got cocky over all the fanfare, amirite? I was rooting for Heather all season, and the reason why is because she spoke humbly of her self-esteem issues, broken-up marriage, confusion over the LDS church, and real-life stuff that Housewives shows seem to be sorely lacking these days. Watching Heather team up with Whitney to “take down” Jen and Lisa is disheartening for two reasons. First, Heather just knocked herself off her own pedestal. Second, it’s making me root for Lisa Barlow of all people.
Anyways, Heather calls Jen out for posting tons of “grandpa f*cker” comments on social media, and when Jen tries to defend herself, Heather says, “That’s your artillery. You’ve done that to me, you’ve done that to Whitney, and you’ve done that to Meredith.” Upon hearing her name, Meredith perks up, nods approvingly, and then falls back into a deep, deep hypnosis that only Kimberly Friedmutter can wake her from.
Andy asks Mary, “Did Meredith and Lisa say to you that they were scared of Jen?” Mary throws the blame over to Whitney, and Whitney’s enormous bosom tells Jen, “Mary told me that they actually don’t like the way that you had been talking about her marriage, but they weren’t wanting to tell it to your face because they were scared of your reaction. Every time Mary was mentioned, you’d freak out.”
Jen knows that Whitney is right on the money, but she limply states, “That’s not true.” Of course, we get a nice montage of Jen getting stabby-stabby at the mere mention of Mary, and that’s why I like these reunions. They’re all about the HARD EVIDENCE. Andy repeats the question to Mary, “Did Meredith and Lisa say to you that they were scared of Jen?” Mary responds, “No.” “So why did you tell Whitney that they did?” “Because I said they are.” Hoo boy.
Lisa jumps in with, “But why were you two so excited to tell her that we’re afraid of her? To cause discord.” And in a major PLOT TWIST, she points out to Whitney and Heather that THEY said they were afraid of Jen. More receipts are brought out, and I’m laughing and having a good time until all hell breaks loose, and everyone starts screaming at each other.
Everything for the next five minutes is extremely hard to follow, but I caught Lisa yelling, “Whitney and Heather, bad weather! Bend the truth, and destroy!” LOLOLOL! How much do you want to bet Lisa rehearsed these lines NIGHTLY for three weeks leading up to the reunion? Heather accuses Lisa of being a shit friend to Meredith, and upon hearing this, Meredith leans back in her chair in slow motion and slobbers, “I’m not sure what’s going on… zzzz…”
Lisa is in Anger Overdrive, and she calls Heather a disgusting human being. Let me just put this theory out there: Lisa watched herself on the show, and she realized she didn’t do enough to be interesting, so now she’s taking the reunion as an opportunity to GO HAM to keep her spot. Maybe I’m a cynical asshole for thinking this, but I also suspect Lisa is standing up for Jen solely for strategic purposes. Those two have formed an alliance, and it will be interesting to see how the dynamics play out next season.
Lisa is pointing fingers everywhere. “Don’t you call me a f*cking liar! I’m a good friend. She knows it, and SHE KNOWS IT!” Meredith emerges from her sensory deprivation chamber to add, “I want to make things abundantly clear: the next one of you that has anything to say about my family in any shape or form, You Are Not My Friend.”
Andy turns things back to Mary. He asks if there was anything in the will, or some form of documentation, that shows her grandmother wanted Mary to, uh, marry Robert Sr. once she passed. Mary shakes her head, “No. There’s no receipts.” Then, her previous story of Grandma giving the blessing on her deathbed changes to Mary praying about it and knowing that marrying Gramps was God’s will. Damn, this woman is SHADY.
Mary, of course, has to mention that she and her housekeeper — and grandmother’s brother’s daughter — Charlinda, are not close and do not hang out. Both Charlinda and her mother clean Mary’s house, and that’s it. “I’ve got a big house! They’ve got a tiny apartment. I pay their rent; they clean my house.” All of the women have the same look on their faces as I do, which reads, “This chick is really a pastor?”
Andy asks Mary how she’d characterize her marriage with Robert Sr., and she stumbles all over her words before burping up, “It was arranged. I think I’m in love with him.” We also learn that Mary MIGHT have left her first husband for Robert Sr. and that she and step-granddaddy haven’t been physical for the past few years.
Okay, one final nugget about Mary, and then we’re done, I swear! Andy brings up the audio recording of Mary calling her congregants “poor and stingy” because they didn’t give her gifts for her birthday. Mary cops to it, but she says it was taken out of “content,” and that Jesus said the poor will always be among you. “How you are blessed is how you represent how you live. If you live a life that’s not okay, then you’re not blessed.” Why in the HELL are Whitney and Heather nodding along like this all makes sense??
When asked if she is running a cult, Mary says, “We believe in the exact same thing as Mormons, so.” Lisa interjects, “I’m not part of a cult,” and Heather says, “There are rumors that Mormons are a cult.” Mary thinks the rumors about her designer duds being paid for by congregants’ tithings are nasty and unfair. “Andy, my church couldn’t possibly take care of me. I’m a God-fearing woman and would never do that.”
Something tells me this next segment about Heather was supposed to be longer, but Mary’s batshittery took up all time, space, and matter, so now they only have a few minutes. We see clips of Heather discussing the impact her divorce with Billy Rich had on her. We see her wrestle between being a good Mormon mom and a bad Jezebel that’s hungry for sex, booze, and MEATBALLS. We also revisit that really sweet scene with Heather’s daughters. You know… the one where they’re supportive of whatever she decides to do with the church? I loved that scene.
Heather cries, “I feel so grateful, because filming all that and having to figure things out for myself was huge for me, and it was absolutely therapy for me.” Whitney’s hot air balloon boobies show their support: “She has grown so much. She is raw. She is real, and I have seen that change in her.” Heather laughs that Rihanna DM-ing her was a true healing moment. LOL. “I just didn’t think there was an audience for the mess that I am.” Awww. I’m starting to get back on board with Ms. Gay.
Heather goes on to say that the show was transformative, and she has received a ton of support from marginalized Mormons. We learn that she’s still not dating anyone, and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let that be Heather’s storyline for next season! I want to see more awkward encounters with blind dates. I want to see Heather complain about an awful one-night stand. I want, nay, DEMAND, to see Heather make out with a dude on the Sky Ride at Lagoon!
After years of preaching abstinence to her daughters, and teaching them their role in life was to be chaste, Heather is so, so, so done with that terrible advice, and she has changed things up. “I want my daughters to be wild. I want them to have multiple partners, and get wasted and LIVE.” Mary looks like she’s about to have a “hygenitis” outbreak upon hearing this, but I say good for Heather! That’s my girl. Just remember to teach the girls to drive safe and not get a DUI… like someone on this show did. (You’re welcome for the tea.)
Lisa and Heather find some common ground in the type of marginalized or ex-Mormons that have shown support since the show started. Both of them want to live their LDS lives more leniently, and while some may disagree, I say whatever floats your boat, ladies. Not to get all weird on everyone, but religion and spirituality are entirely different to me, and only one of those comes from within. JMHO.
Anyway, Lisa and Heather’s two seconds of camaraderie are spent up, and they quickly butt heads for the millionth time over Lisa’s claims about not knowing Heather. Lisa even comes prepared with a text from 2017, and I love that Andy could not give a shit about this. For once, he and I are sympatico. No one cares who knew who when, Lisa!
Andy asks Heather about her jealousy over Jen’s friendships with Meredith and Lisa. “You leveled up… to be with the glam kittens.” Jen denies all of this, and I don’t know if she’s drugged or something, but her far-distant stare is cracking me up. Heather says that Jen went after everyone on the show except for Lisa, and then she accuses Lisa of manipulating Jen to talk shit about Heather and Whitney. Lisa exclaims that she doesn’t have the energy or time to do that, but Whitney’s flotation devices yell, “This woman has put me down over and over, and that is the goddamn truth!”
Lisa throws one more jab at Heather. “I know you now, but did not know you before January 2017. I had never met you in my life.” Heather snaps, “You say you hate drama, you hate lies, and hate all these things, but you double down on Jen Shah??” DUHN DUHN DUHN.
Stay tuned for part three of the RHOSLC reunion! Thanks for hanging with me this episode. There was A LOT to go through about Mary, and now that we’ve climbed over that hill, we can all sleep safe and sound tonight. See you next week, Blurbers! =)
TELL US – WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE EPISODE? IS THERE SOMETHING GOOD ABOUT MARY THAT I’M MISSING?
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