RHONJ Recap: Joe Threatens to Break Luis’ Balls During Fight, Melissa Declines Teresa’s Offer to be a Bridesmaid as Gia Accuses Her of Lying to Make Mom Look Bad

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RHONJ Recap: Joe Threatens to Break Luis’ Balls During Heated Fight, Gia Accuses Melissa of Lying to Make Teresa Look Bad and Danielle Calls Jackie a Judgy B**chThis week, the title of the Real Housewives of New Jersey is “Boys Will Be Boys.” Let us talk about the husbands and their childish behavior, shall we?

Melissa proclaims that she wants to see Teresa’s happy ending but not the sexual one because that would be life-altering. She wanted to set the record straight that she was seated with Jennifer and a bunch of hairdressers at the engagement party. Teresa and Melissa are still going back and forth over the bridesmaid issue. She then asks Melissa if she would like to be in her wedding. Melissa is not interested in being an afterthought, so she declines the offer. Is this the start of these two trying to mend their relationship? Who knew mozzarella had such binding power?

Dolores and Paul are chatting about Frank, aka Mr. Potato Head. Frank has been in the hospital and is now coming over to earn his check. He arrives after he is “roto-rootered,” so he is not so full of sh*t. Paul and Frank are like two matadors circling each other, but in reality, they are two goofy characters from a children’s movie. Frank reluctantly invites Paul to join the greasy circle of trust a guys’ night. Paul thought that Frank would have pulled him aside in the beginning. He thought having Dolores be the go-between is a no-no since, “You cannot ask a woman to do a man’s job.” Paul is pissing on the grass and letting the old horn-dog know she is his now. Dolores has now gone from one controlling guy to another. We now must see Frank look like a deranged Easter bunny after greasing himself up with a can of Pam cooking spray.

Margaret, Melissa, and Jackie meet up for lunch. Jackie mentions she has been doing better and making progress with her eating disorder. She wants to know about the cheese-making party, and she admits that she did look Danielle up and down. Jackie says Danielle’s fashion looks like a trainwreck with her shorts from the hamper. She really is annoyed with the fact that Danielle was one of the reasons she got demoted to a ‘friend,’ which is a kiss of death in the HW world. Marge declares that Jennifer is on a downward spiral due to her neurotic behavior.

Rachel is having a birthday party photoshoot for her two-year-old daughter. She is obsessed with doing photoshoots of her perfect child. Rachel asks John if he wants any more children. She then shares that she had a miscarriage after their wedding and breaks down in her ITM. Rachel had to do IVF to have a family. She is willing to go through it all again even if her “sunroof had to be cut open and she is forced to wear an adult diaper.” Sorry, I do not get the sunroof analogy, but the diaper, I do remember that.

Teresa is chatting with Gia and Louie. She shares what happened at the cheese party and the engagement seating arrangement debacle. Teresa then involves Gabriella in the conversation, and I am on the edge of my seat since I have wanted to hear her take on this family dynamic. Gabriella, who becomes extremely flushed, is affected by the suggestion that the Gorgas were claiming to be there when they were not. She reminds Teresa that she only has one family member. Gia says that she only saw Joe and Melissa when they were on camera, and Gabriella concurs. She also has been lately calling her uncle an opportunist since he ran into Joe Giudice and took a photo. Louie acts like he is the protector of poor Teresa, who has been victimized.

Danielle visits Melissa while she is meeting with a vendor for her store. Melissa shares that Jackie is upset that she was not invited to the cheese party. Danielle is happy she did not invite the judgey b*tch. She shares that she and her brother are not speaking. Danielle is fighting with her brother since she blocked him on Instagram when he criticized her posts. She now resents her brother’s wife and blames her for the divide in the family. Melissa does not want to hear it is the sister-in-law’s fault. Side note: Is production trying to show us this is a common storyline in an Italian family so they can show their hands are clean?

Jennifer wants to pay her kids to clean the house. She is willing to pay them $14 per hour. Bill is not a fan of paying your kids to work around the house. ME EITHER! Jennifer tells Bill that Marge called her “disingenuine,” and I wish he would correct her. Bill tells her that everyone has different personalities. He wants her to acknowledge that there are things that she needs to take responsibility for.

Danielle has her dad, Nate, and her mom, Angel, over to see the kids. Valentina can identify famous artists, which is just precious. Danielle mentions if her son marries a mega-b*tch, she will poison her. They discuss the divide in their family since the sister-in-law came into the picture. Nate is the only family member speaking to his son, and all he wants is for his family to be united. He needs to first get his family off this show — it does not unite, it divides!

Joe and Melissa are talking to Melissa’s mom, Donna, and her sister, Lysa. Melissa asks them if they got an invite to Teresa’s wedding, which they have not. She asks the kids to leave the table so they can talk. Joe remembers that Melissa’s mom was there for his parents. He believes Louie has not done anything to rectify their family issues.

Frank, Joe B., Joe G., Evan, Bill, Nate, and John come for the guys’ night. Paul, aka Buzz, is not coming since he must work saving the planet. Frank thinks that Paul has questioned his manhood with his comments. He says his whole family dynamic has changed, and he misses his relationship with Dolores. Bill says he is more like Louie’s brother-in-law than Joe is. Joe lets the guys know that Melissa’s family was not invited to the wedding. He is saying Louie is a piece of garbage, and who walks in? It’s Louie, who is now morphing into a sundried tomato. Side note: He is literally on my last nerve after looking like an eggplant and now my other favorite veggie!

Joe mentions that Melissa’s parents are not invited to the wedding. Louie says they were not invited because of past issues. Joe B. says it is a slap in the face not to invite Melissa’s parents, especially in an Italian family. Louie mentions how the girls are sharing stories about what really went on during Teresa’s PRISON time. Joe tells him to shut up and that he should be embarrassed getting involved in this mess. He tells Louie, “f*ck you,” and he calls him a p*ssy. Bill tells Joe to stop insulting his manhood since he must hear this crap at home from Jennifer!

Louie is fired up, saying that Joe is on a podcast talking about his sister. He reminds Joe he is still in the reprogramming phase of his evil plan and cannot force Teresa to do something she does not want to — except, of course, with lots of sex on demand. Joe cannot bring himself to allow Teresa to continue to hurt him. Louie blathers on with his Svengali script, saying how his feelings are justified too. Joe knows that Teresa cannot move forward and will never forgive them for trying to pop her oozing love bubble…

Next week, Bill and Jen are having trouble communicating — again. Joe calls Teresa to make peace, and Louie has a script for her to read. Have a happy hump day, Blurbers, and see you tomorrow in Miami!