We have finally arrived at the big top/hair event with Teresa and Louie’s wedding extravaganza on the Real Housewives of New Jersey! Let us check out the festivities and the sky-high hair!
In the opening ITM scene, Louie and Teresa share the story of what created the delusional love bubble that they are in. Teresa sees this relationship as a fairytale where she marries the big bad wolf her prince. Louie could not wait to lock Tre down by proposing to her. He is so calculated, and no one is more immune to his deception than Tre.
One day before the wedding, Teresa and Louie arrived at their rehearsal dinner with one of the largest wedding parties for a pair who have BOTH been married before. Teresa calls Veronica the sister she never had, and the collaborative effort between Veronica and Louie to ingratiate themselves is compelling to watch.
Dolores and Jennifer talk about Melissa and Joe not attending the wedding. She has been friends with Tre for 38 years, so they have a lot of history. Gia shares in her ITM that she is done with Joe and Melissa after not attending the wedding. She says Teresa is happy but is still stressed out by Joe. Dolores reflects on Gia and Joe’s relationship until they did not have one.
The rehearsal dinner is held in a winery and looks gorgeous. Teresa admits that her mom did not want her to marry Joe (which I have never heard her say before) since he did not treat her like a queen. She has no idea that her mom would not have wanted her to be with someone who sees her as an easy mark for his elaborate love bombing. Louie must tell her that her boob popped out of her chest hair dress during the dinner. He will have to tell that hairy dolt about this for the rest of their lives.
On Tre’s wedding day, Teresa has those gel eye patches and a plastic face mask on, and it is so distracting to look at. Gabriella, who never speaks up on TV, claims she is triggered hearing her uncle Joe’s name. Jennifer pulls Teresa aside, and she brings her a gift with a picture of her parents. She apologizes for telling Danielle about the cheating rumor. Gabriella is getting agitated over hearing Jennifer upsetting her mom. Milania starts yelling, “Why is Gabriella crying?” They do not want Joe’s name mentioned at this event because of the upset JOE has caused.
Louie is just glowing with his groomsmen, reflecting on being the “blessees” he has ever been. His family is like a seasoned group of love bombers and are thrilled Louie scored the cash cow love of his life. After seeing his father at the wedding, it seems clear that Louie seems to have learned the tricks of the trade.
Teresa mentions that Louie likes for her to keep the hair off her face, but he does not realize it has grown that way into her forehead. Tre may need to whip out an edge trimmer to get the look he is going for. Jennifer and Dolores’ mouths drop when they see Teresa with her hairy mound on her head. She did not think the hair would be the main event and is clearly on lip-lockdown since she would never dare to say anything negative about Tre. Gabriella, who is clearly the brightest of the bunch, calls it a rat’s nest on her mom’s head, and they should put Critter Control on the speed dial just in case something climbs out of that nest.
The guests are all arriving, and we have other Housewives such as Ashley, Cynthia, Chanel, Alexia, Phaedra, Kenya, Dorinda, and Jill, who are basically seat fillers for this wedding. The guests are sweltering outside in 93-degree temperatures. Teresa comes out to “Ave Maria” like she is the Queen with her crown. Louie, upon seeing that hair, cannot hide his shock at the hairy mound on her head. Dorinda was not feeling the big hair, and I loved that she felt she could say the truth about it. Marge sees the hair and thinks that the doves are going to be released from the hair nest. Side note: How f*cking hilarious would it have been if a bird landed on the top of Tre’s head during the ceremony?
Margaret, Jen F., and Jackie talk about the sadness that Joe is not there. She does not want to stay the entire evening since she must report back to the Gorgas feels bad. Danielle is acting contrite for the discord she caused, and if I were her I would not have had the balls to show up after she ran her big mouth. Louie wants to have sex when Teresa changes her dress — SHOCKER. He must have tried to yank that hairpiece off of her head as he mounted her. Everyone then starts checking their phones for Instagram, and Joe is slamming her. Louie punches walls when he sees the posts, and he thinks that Joe is disgusting. He then shouts, “Not coming to this wedding is really f*cked up.” He also states, “Her parents would go crazy if they saw this behavior.” Louie sees Tre in her second dress but is clearly disappointed that she did not lower that hair tower with a weed wacker.
Teresa wanted all the performers to be half-naked. She has a sword eater and burlesque dancers. Jennifer’s daughter Olivia is there, and it does not seem like a wedding where young kids should be present. Tre’s daughters make a toast to the happy hairy couple. Milania calls their union a fairytale, or better, a cautionary tale. She is delusional like her mom. The appropriate fairytale name is “C*ck Lobster Marries the Beast.” Teresa is so hoarse and sounds like she smoked a pack of cigarettes with her love, love love. Louie wants to be grandparents, and Teresa wants the brakes pumped on that one.
This wedding cost $500k, and the hair concoction was $10k. Who paid for this clown show? Thankfully Bravo only gave this event one episode since I could not take a multi-episode. We still have a three-part reunion to look forward to…
Next week, we now get a clip from the reunion and find out Paul is not divorced. Tre thinks that Melissa put her in jail, and Melissa looks at Tre with such disgust it is palpable. Dolores and Frank will not answer if Frankie Jr. separated ways with Louie over questionable business dealings. Louie and Tre get called out for their contradictory statements — shocker!
I hope all of you Blurbers are having a good week! If you are interested in co-hosting, please email me at [email protected].
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