Our ladies from the Real Housewives of Miami are back to serve up some spicy drama this season! I am confident my hometown can make it happen. Let’s catch up with my favorite franchise, shall we?
We begin with soundbites from the last reunion, and it is not a good look for some of them. Fast forward to now, and Alexia — who has changed her lips by deflating them a bit but now they look flatlined — is planning a New Horizon party to mend what has been broken from last season. Alexia is having the event at her gorgeous condo while she still can, and this real estate porn in Miami is muy caliente! Production then gives us a glimpse of the party to show that this will not be an easy feat to accomplish. We then go back a week in time…
In her ITM, Alexia looks like she put her dress/suit on sideways while discussing her marriage to Todd. She and Todd are walking on the gorgeous Miami Beach and chatting about her upcoming event. Alexia admits she was not too happy with Todd since he publicly apologized to Anthony in a nine-minute video
because “Stars” do not have to apologize! Nicole was pleased that Todd did apologize to Anthony, and maybe there is hope for a reconciliation between these two men.
Larsa and Marcus Jordan have invited Lisa and her new beau Jody on a fabulous-looking yacht, which is clearly RENTED. She is proud that her boat is bigger than the one that Nicole OWNS. IMO, no other franchise can serve up the opulence Miami can— except when Queen LVP was on RHOBH. Larsa is enjoying every moment of her time with Marcus and suggests that everyone important to them is happy about their relationship. The streets are saying that Michael is not too thrilled with this union. Larsa gets asked in her confessional about an impending engagement. She pretends that she is in no hurry, and these two are doing just fine.
Lisa shares that she wants to continue to wear her wedding ring from Lenny because it is a gorgeous piece of jewelry, but Jody does not seem too keen on that. She mentions how Jody has been incredibly supportive during her nasty divorce and challenging her prenup. Lisa admits the divorce has gotten uglier throughout this process. She has finally found someone who makes her happy. Larsa, who cannot stand to NOT be the center of attention, is annoyed that Guerdy has called her the fakest Housewife. Own it, darling, because you are so glossy that you are morphing into a wax figure!
Nicole and Anthony are discussing this new home, which was listed at $21.5 million with a 15-car garage and boasts 10,000 square feet, and they are calling it a fixer-upper. Holy crap this is an acre on the water on its own peninsula! For those of you who are not familiar with Miami, this is big-time real estate. Nicole is in no hurry to get married since she has a full plate. Guerdy arrives looking lovely and she has brought champagne for them. Nicole mentions how she has spoken to Larsa after all the nastiness at the reunion. Guerdy is frazzled right now since she got a call from her gynecologist. She needs a biopsy and is concerned about her breast exam, and Nicole offers supportive words to her.
Julia and Martina are trying to put a diaper on one of their pets. LOL, the goat is sh*tting on the floor while it is wearing a diaper. Martina has been dealing with throat and breast cancer, and she is pushing through it and cannot hear Julia talk over the bleating goat! You cannot make this sh*t up, but you do need to clean up the goat poop off the kitchen floor. Julia shares that Alexia has reached out to her to check on Martina’s health. LOL, the goat is crying like a baby, and I just love Martina — she has the patience of a saint.
Lisa has a deposition scheduled with Lenny’s lawyer. Jody is trying to give her some advice on how to handle herself throughout the deposition. The producer asks Lisa how she feels about the divorce, and she acknowledges that she is putting her life in the hands of a Miami-Dade judge. Lisa has now completed her deposition, and she feels she did the best she could. She is trying to get temporary support for her kids and herself. Lenny calls during her confessional, and he does not want to Venmo her anything. He did not ask her to order him something off Instacart like last season. Lenny needs to teach his new fembot how to order his own damn groceries.
Marysol meets up with Alexia and Kiki, who looks fabulous. Kiki wants to have many cocks while living in Miami. I hope they show her dating life this season, and I am curious how you can use three vibrators at once! Kiki asks if Adriana is invited to Alexia’s New Horizons party, and Alexia is hesitant to answer. Alexia thinks that Adriana has gone on a press tour to try to redeem herself from last season. Marysol is done with Adriana after what she said about her ex-boyfriend and the ridiculous letter to her liver.
Julia meets up with Alexia, and she thanks her for checking on Martina. She wants to share some hot tea and mentions that Cardi B. said Larsa was lying about having sex four times a day. They laugh about not being influenced by Adriana and Marysol, and they can have a nice conversation with each other. Alexia tells her she is not inviting Adriana because of the issues with Marysol. Julia thinks that Marysol is emotionally blackmailing Alexia.
We now go 24 hours later with Adriana waving a white flag and trying to score an invite and cash for filming the event. Alexia is annoyed that Adriana compared her questionable injury to what happened to Frankie. Adriana reminds Alexia that she did not know to scroll down the page to find Perry was not married. They agree to show each other some respect and she invites her to the New Horizons party. Side note: I will NEVER tire of the scene of Adriana in the floppy hat being wheeled around in the squeaky wheelchair — pricele$$.
Two days later, Alexia tells Marysol — who looks freakish in her ITM and is morphing into Mama Elsa — that Adriana has been invited. Alexia breaks down when she tells Marysol she really needs her there since Todd does not want to be there. Todd does not want to be the topic of conversation over the apology video to Anthony.
Larsa and Marcus arrive at the New Horizons party with Frankie greeting them sweetly. Lisa and Jody arrive, and Adriana shares that Jody lives in her old home with Frederick. Adriana ponders if they are fornicating all over that property like she did. Guerdy arrives looking like a supermodel with Russell on her arm. Larsa is annoyed that Guerdy has called her fake, but all I can see is she has turned herself into a bloated porpoise with all the fillers. No offense to the dolphins! Marysol arrives with Steve, so Alexia will be happy her BFF has come.
Alexia makes an announcement to everyone and wants to have a restart after all the hurtful things that were said in New York. She gets asked about Todd, and she immediately assures them there is not an imminent divorce, but there’s a little embarrassment after he publicly apologized to Anthony.
Julia, who is usually the calm one, expresses surprise that Marysol is in attendance. She calls her out for stirring the pot and creating chaos. Julia then shames Marysol for putting her BFF in an impossible situation. Marysol wants Alexia to speak up for her, but Alexia is staying mute on this one. Anthony decides he needs to go to the bathroom to avoid this drama, and the other men jump up to escape. The conversation gets so heated that Guerdy must shut it down.
Alexia follows the guys and offers them some cigars, and they seem to enjoy each other’s company. The men enjoy Todd’s cigars and booze, and they enjoy seeing the Miami skyline. Guerdy comes out to the balcony and is clearly upset and wants to leave. Russell, who is her knight in shining armor, agrees to leave.
While exiting the condo, Guerdy starts rambling to Larsa that she is going to need her and wants her to be supportive. Larsa has no idea what she is inferring. We then jump to the scene to find out that Guerdy does have breast cancer, which is terribly sad. Guerdy looks at her kids and her adoring husband and cannot fathom how she got here…
RHOM is looking to be an emotion-packed season with lots of moving parts. It will be nice to get to know the new love interests, Jody and Marcus (who clearly loves some camera time). Be well, Blurbers, and see you next week on the slopes of Salt Lake City!
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