Our Real Housewives of Miami are having a night at the opera. Let’s hope Adriana’s dog chases Julia off the mic while humping her leg to make her stop that godawful sound, right?
Three days before the F*ck Cancer party, Adriana, who must be suffering from hearing loss at this point, is still trying to help Julia sing. She may have connections with Emilio Estefan, but Emilio can only work some miracles with his Miami sound machine.
Marysol is sporting an arm sling since she was dragged across the floor at the basketball game. She has self-diagnosed herself with lots of broken bones — but has not been to a real doctor. Steve comments on how stylish she has blinged up her cast. Kiki, sporting Hermes slides, comes over with a walker, and she is ashamed of her supermodel self falling to injury. They discuss how the event went wrong, and Marysol thinks that Adriana started off the trip badly with her flatulence and polluting the environment. Kiki, who I LOVE, wants to understand why the long word flatulence is used to describe something as simple as a fart. Marysol explains that she has standards but loves to use the word “f*ck” every chance she gets.
Kiki has not heard from Larsa and she misses her friend. She thinks since she velcroed herself to Marcus that she ditched her friends. I am sure everyone reading this has a friend who has done the exact same thing — but in high school.
Alexia and Todd are meeting up with Nicole and Anthony for a cooking class. They do not cook at home, so this is a weird date. I am a bit surprised that Alexia does not cook since my Cuban friends are all phenomenal cooks, and that is their love language with their family. Alexia tires quickly while having to knead the dough maybe it reminds her of Todd’s flaccid penis? Todd tells Anthony he is appreciative that he accepted his apology. Alexia thinks it is weird that Martina’s party is at Adriana’s house. Nicole is catching that Todd and Alexia are not telling the same story about Todd’s absence from the Horizons party. Todd is also not going to Martina’s party since he does not want to be around Adriana.
Larsa and Marcus are doing their podcast called Separation Anxiety, and I am so over these couple podcasts. She is such a cling-on with him, and I think I should refer to her as Larsa-wrap. Larsa is 16 years older than him, and he will tire of her needy self. Marcus talks about how everyone was curious about their relationship. Larsa spent the holidays with his mom, and Marcus met her family. She will not talk about Michael Jordan, and that is one person’s name she needs to keep out of her big mouth #lastdance.
Julia is going with Adriana to get her first ketamine treatment for her issues with anxiety. They discuss the party set-up, and Julia decides to call Marysol. Julia extends an invite to Martina’s party while Adriana listens, and Marysol seems game until she hears it is at Adriana’s home. Marysol comes up with a medical exception, which she clearly has already done. Adriana calls Julia gullible when she believes Marysol’s excuse, who she sees as a bully. The production shows several scenes where Marysol went after Adriana, but it was not unprovoked.
Adriana arrives at the doctor’s office, and they tell her she is going to be seeing colors and will have a psychedelic experience. Six minutes later, Adriana is high as a kite floating and humming. Julia wants no part of this medication and does not need to use any hallucinogens — nor do I. Adriana sobs while seeing her family who have passed. Adriana cries about never getting to say goodbye to her dad. Julia, as expected, is a good friend and is there to comfort her while she experiences her pain.
Lisa and Jody go to the Formula One event, and she certainly likes to put salt on her wounds. The previous year, she and Larsa ran into Lenny and his “mistress” at this event. Kiki, Marcus, and Larsa join them, and Kiki looks upset when Larsa is all over Marcus. Kiki tells Marcus she misses hanging out with Larsa, and you can see Larsa could care less about her friend. Larsa does not want to placate Kiki anymore since she found her man and has ditched her former wing woman. Side note: I think Kiki is a much better choice for Marcus. She is gorgeous and funny and is not vapid and fake.
Lisa mentions that she was with Guerdy the previous day, and she asked her about her health problem. Guerdy knew right away that it was Larsa who ran her mouth since she was testing her loyalty. Larsa thinks Guerdy should get over it and then sickeningly questions her drinking. She is the worst, and I can barely stomach seeing her bloated image on my TV screen.
Guerdy and Russell talk about her cancer. She thinks that Larsa was sloppy by running her mouth. Guerdy had to release her own statement about her health and her version was beautifully written.
We have finally arrived at Martina’s party, and Julia is practicing her performance. Julia at least has her beauty going for her. LOL, she cleared the trees of the birds. Alexia arrives solo, and she warmly greets Adriana but looks to make sure Marysol is not hiding behind a palm tree holding a cockie. Guerdy thanks Alexia for her call and texts, and Alexia admits she heard about the cancer from Larsa. Alexia thought Larsa was concerned about Guerdy, but her actions say otherwise. Guerdy thinks that Larsa needs to be corrected for sharing very personal news. Nicole then spills that Larsa was questioning Guerdy’s cancer and wonders if it is real. No wonder KK banned her for life from Calabasas!
Kiki arrives, and she looks stunning in tangerine. Our guest of honor Martina arrives, and she brought her sweet dog Lulu, who accompanied her for her treatments. The ladies wonder if Lisa is just fashionably late as usual. We then see headlines where Lisa was accused of bugging Lenny’s car. Watch out, here comes Larsa waddling looking like a manatee crammed into that black cutout dress. Larsa plants herself on the couch and pretends like she did nothing wrong.
Upon hearing about Lisa, Guerdy tries to shut down any talk about her. She is clearly gunning for Larsa, who asks Guerdy, “Why she is so angry,” which is clearly said to incite more anger. Larsa, in her confessional, says “You can snap at me once and snap at me twice but at some point, you’re going to wake up the sleeping bear.” Larsa butchered that analogy! They then call Lisa, and she tells them the police have just come to her house. Here we go with more Lenny drama to come! I will see you all on the slopes in SLC next week, so be well!
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