Vanderpump Rules Recap: Watch Your Back

by Julia
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Vanderpump Rules recap Jax Brittany Ariana Tom Katie

New love connections leads to more trash talking on this episode of Vanderpump Rules.

Tom and Ariana’s apartment. Just your average day. Talking about laser hair removal. In your private parts. Oh yea, and talking about Vegas…and how Sandoval felt great about actually “doing something productive.” Evidently bartending and personal styling does not qualify as productivity for this young man.

“It’s been for me about five months” since James has seen his dad, Andros, the self-proclaimed “London gangster.” He IS pretty gangsta with his cartilage piercings. James states how he wants to make his dad proud since he grew up in a musical household and therefore invites his pops to a djing gig. Sloth, I mean James’s dad, tries to peer pressure James into boozing, but luckily Raquel, fresh out of the DARE program, reminds James to put down the cocktail. LVP comes over to greet Andros and shares that she knows him personally. That totally explains how James has had so many chances with LVP. Family connections. Must be nice…

Meanwhile, Brittany is busy setting up Jax’s 38th birthday party… HOOTERS. Two months post cheating scandal, Brittany is still trucking along as best girlfriend of the year and hosts a helluva party for old man Jax. Of course Scheana needs to make the night about HER, cuz that’s what Scheana does.

She accosts Jax and confronts him about the whole Rob not loving her thing. Great timing. Jax legit just walked in the door and bluntly tells Scheana that life is “not just one happy Instagram story.” Amazing. It appears as though Scheana ONLY came to start beef, as she swiftly leaves just as fast as she laid into Jax. Sandoval and Schwartzie gift Jax with a man romper. Worst. Present. Ever. I thought it couldn’t get any more horrible, but then the boy band itself (Jax, Sandoval, and Schwartzie) ALL don the rompers and we viewers are treated to some terrible dance moves and moments we will never unsee.

Billie Lee, Stassi, and Kristen all get together at Kristen’s apartment. Billie is excited to share that Jeremy, Ariana’s brother, asked her out on a date. This is amazing. Evidently, Jeremy is a little creepy, as he hits on anything with a pulse. What Stassi doesn’t mention is Jeremy also has a long rap sheet for alleged domestic violence involving an ex-girlfriend. So perhaps “creepy” is a bit of an understatement, but Billie explains that she is just down to f*ck, so it should be all good. Crisis averted.

The next day, Brittany and Scheana go out to lunch…I mean go out to talk about Scheana, Scheana’s favorite hobby and interest. Scheana is trying to shake Brittany into reality and find Brittany someone who makes her as happy as Rob makes her. GAG. The whole segment is supa weird and forced, as Scheana is desperately trying to aggravate Jax and decides that setting Brittany up with another dude will definitely do the trick. Adam, the “hot new guy at SUR,” just so happens to be texting Scheana at the very moment. Brittany looks confused and hungover and not at all interested in Scheana’s master plan.

Later, Billie and LaLa roll up to Scheana’s apartment. The girls gather to get Billie ready for her date with Jeremy. Scheana, the resident matchmaker, thinks that Billie and Jeremy would make a perfect couple, as they have a lot in common…like smoking weed. Billie tells the girls that Stassi and Kristen warned her about Jeremy and that just ticks off LaLa. LaLa doesn’t want Billie to be bummed about this upcoming date, so she helps her get ready and even waits at the bar with her until Jeremy shows up. When Jeremy arrives, he tells Billie that she is a “woman now and deserves to be acknowledged as a woman.” Bravo, Jeremy. That is a great answer and I hope the date goes well!

James and his dad visit some more at the bar. “You’re getting known!” Uh…yea, if you consider spinning on a Tuesday night getting known. I guess that’s only a statement a dad can say to a son. James explains that “having George Michael as LIKE my godfather is why I’m so into music.” I kinda wish that there were transcripts for James’s dad as I can barely understand the mumbled jabber coming out of his mouth. James blubbers about his dad and I feel like it’s mainly because his dad USED to be someone and now he can’t use any of his connections to find James an “in” to the music biz. Or maybe he just misses his dad. Either way.

Ah…it was only a matter of time until Ariana found out that Stassi, Katie, and Kristen were talkin crap about her brother, Jeremy. She is not pleased. But before she throws down, Scheana, LaLa, and Ariana get their privates lasered. Following the lasering, LaLa is fired up and ready to defend Jeremy. Allllllllll the girls get together and the two cliques are forced to sit around one itty-bitty table staring each other down, until LaLa brings up the “elephant in the room.”

She demands to know why Stassi called Ariana’s brother creepy. Stassi, naturally, denies it and Katie states that Jeremy was “predatory” at her wedding and that she’s “being an advocate for women who can’t be here right now.” Oh my God. Ariana tells LaLa that “they are about to get to a place they will never come back from,” essentially keeps her cool, and exits before things get out of hand. Stassi believes that Ariana is being hypocritical, as Ariana always talks smack about Stassi and calls it a “hard truth.” HAHA.

Jax, the 38 year old, got an electric drum kit as his present from Brittany and Sandoval brings over his guitar so they can “jam.” Quick! Grab your earplugs. Whilst jamming, Sandoval decides he needs to talk to Katie, Stassi, and Kristen, who are obviously at Katie’s apartment down the hall. Sandoval tries to put out the fire and acts like a good (almost) brother-in-law and boyfriend to Ariana. He tells the girls “You better watch yourself.” Unfortunately, I don’t think those three ladies will ever realize just how defamatory they are.

Don, Brittany’s dad, calls to check in with Brittany. Originally, she chose not to tell her dad about the Jax cheating scandal. Since some time has passed, she decides to divulge the information. Her dad does not sound surprised in the least bit and reminds Brittany that “Prince Charming may still be out there.” Jax overheard the conversation Brittany had with her dad and now he is angry with her that she is “airing out their dirty laundry.” This guy!

Scheana continues her crappy match-making by inviting Adam out with the gang (sans Jax)…mainly so he can flirt with Brittany and Scheana can continue her mission to make Jax angry. It’s sneaky and awful and I am kinda wondering why Scheana cares so deeply about splitting up Jax and Brittany. Scheana dishes Brittany some real talk: “You wanna be me? 32, divorced, no kids?” It’s time for someone to step in and tell Scheana enough meddling. Focus on YOUR relationship in real life, not just on social media.