We are back for the season opener of the Real Housewives of New Jersey! The greasy road to Teresa and Louie’s wedding will be slippery and treacherous. Let us catch up with them and meet the newbies, Danielle and Rachel!
Jennifer got an injury while stumbling around drunk attending Teresa’s 50th birthday weekend. She thinks she has had the evil eye on her, and she suspects Dolores, who she believes is ultra-jealous of her. Jennifer even had her Ferrari stolen WHILE they were home. She is now closer to Melissa than Dolores. Jennifer even had her mom do a Turkish ceremony to remove the evil eye to no avail.
Melissa is planning an ’80s-themed skating party for a kickoff to the Memorial Day weekend. She is taking it personally that Teresa is not choosing her to be part of her wedding party. Teresa has now invited them to her birthday events, but they have not spoken since the reunion. Melissa tells Joe why she still wants to invite Teresa to the skating party, saying, “I don’t want to leave anybody out.” Joe then reminds her, “You get left out.” Melissa even pretends to be magnanimous about the slight by texting her and letting her know it is “fine” that she is not in the wedding party. Please note: Teresa and Melissa will never learn to co-exist because Melissa took her brother away from her. She does not like the younger, more attractive Melissa around, and she suffers from arrested development along with her brother.
Dolores will be introducing us this season to her Irishman, Paul. Frank is still struggling with Dolores having a new man. Paul cannot make the all-cast skating party since he got COVID. He does not want to play nice with Frank, though, and wants Dolores to himself. Dolores does not understand why her men cannot co-exist, but she is not going to let this guy who makes her a priority get away. Frank asks Dolores if she and Jennifer made amends. She tells Frank that she could care less if Jennifer’s upset with her and deems her to be Mrs. Irrelevant.
Teresa is celebrating her 50th birthday with Louie’s family. She is as arrogant as usual, thinking she does not look 50. Louie says Joe’s insecurities are screaming. Joe sent flowers for Teresa’s birthday — at least they did not end up in the garbage like the sprinkle cookies. In her ITM, Teresa looks like she had cooking spray on her and was deep-fried in Tulum.
We have arrived at the skating rink party. Wow, Frank finally brings his super young girlfriend Brittney around so we know she exists. Teresa, with her chomping gum, and Louie are doing the whole fake Jersey greetings. She is not understanding why Melissa is not talking to her. Teresa is admitting that she does not forgive, and she is getting some help with that. Margaret and Teresa will come face to face with each other for the first time since the reunion as well. She says she is having the time of her life skating, and then she hits the ground, and I swear it sounded like sloshing and a splat on impact!
We meet Danielle, who is a friend of Teresa’s, and I am not the least bit surprised she is friends with her. Jennifer is ignoring Dolores since she cursed her out. Jackie looks good — not sure why she is no longer a full-time castmate. We meet Rachel, who is friends with Melissa. In the preview for the season, Marge tells Rachel she is like a Tim Burton character, and I see the resemblance to Sally in The Nightmare Before Christmas!
Frank wants to know if Joe is going to make nice with Teresa. Dolores believes that without their parents, Joe and Teresa may not make amends. Jennifer F., who is Marge’s friend, is trying to encourage Teresa to talk to Margaret. Teresa invites Marge and Joe B. to come over. Marge is a little freaked out about this new Tre. Dolores invites the ladies and their guys over for a sexy calendar shoot for her charity.
Danielle introduces us to her daughter, Valentina, and her son, Dominic. She admits she is a perfectionist with her kids. Danielle has a handsome husband named Nate, and he will fit in nicely with the other guys. She is acting a little extra, and I do not know if I like having so many new cast members.
Margaret and Joe are chatting about going over to Teresa’s house. Teresa is expecting an apology from Margaret, and Marge is expecting the same. Margaret broke her arm, and poor Joe B. has to shower her. Joe B. had some work done on his eyes, but I do not think he can unsee his naked wife. Thankfully, he does not have to wipe her a*s and see that bruised behind.
Teresa asks Margaret if she thinks she knows the real Teresa. Margaret tells Teresa that she went crazy on her
and became Tre-Kong last season stomping through Jersey. Louie shuts Teresa down (I secretly loved that — at least one person can shut that yapper), and he tells her to stop interrupting and listen to Margaret. Teresa says she is no longer a grudge holder and is working with a therapist who is forced to use flashcards with pictures. She resents that last season, Melissa showed the other ladies her texts about shutting down negative talk about Louie. Louie thinks Melissa’s actions show her insecurity. He has definitely gotten more comfortable in front of the cameras, and you can clearly see how he is encouraging the division of the family. Louie is the Dirty John of Jersey, and someone needs to check Tre’s wedding ring and make sure it is real, unlike those Cartier bracelets!
Teresa needs people to show her they love her, and she thinks she must test them. She now says she does not want to fight with Marge. Teresa, who is grammatically challenged, claims she is raw — as a cucumber. OMG! She just said she is sorry and wants to invite Marge to their wedding. Louie is a good puppetmaster since I do not even see the strings when THIS Teresa interacts with people.
We are now shooting the photos for the men’s calendar. Frank is not coming since his bowels are not working from all of the steroids, and he needs a colon cleanse. We now get to see the guys posing. Joe B. is awkwardly shot on a motorcycle. Nate is watering his garden, and I am liking what I am seeing. Rachel’s husband John is a lumberjack, and he was a model in Law and Order. Did he shoot a cadaver scene in Law and Order?
Evan is still looking good with his basketball shot. Joe, who is just like his evil twin, is going for the BBQ grillmaster look greased up with Pam cooking spray. Louie is doing some yoga poses, and there is nothing hot about any of his poses. Bill is going to be a sexy doctor and has even shaved his chest just like Teresa does for it. He is being a good sport. Paulie is going to be a sexy leprechaun?!?
Marge tells Melissa that Louie said that she is insecure. Melissa is clearly triggered by this very true comment. Melissa could have been an extra in Candiace’s RHOP video for her song “Insecure.” Dolores introduces us to Paul, and I can see why this is a step up from David. Paul looks like he actually sees daylight, unlike David.
Dolores and Jennifer are circling each other at the calendar shoot for the guys. Rachel is trying to push Jennifer to be vulnerable and then runs to Dolores. She tells Dolores that Jennifer was crying. Dolores then pulls Jen aside, and they rehash their tiff from last season. Jennifer is peeved that Dolores does not blindly support her. She thought by being her friend she should have blind loyalty. Jennifer stumbles away with her bum foot and does not want to befriend someone who resembles an old leather purse… We then get a to-be-continued!
Next week, we will see the continuation of that nonsensical disagreement. I think RHONJ has added too many newbies this season. Teresa is fully under Louie’s mind control, and IMO there will never be a resolution between the siblings. They are too much alike. Be well, Blurbers, and I will see you on Thursday in Miami!
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