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The Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion Part 1 Recap: The Devil Throws Kleenex

The Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion Season 9 Part 1

The ladies of the Real Housewives of New Jersey were in rare form last night as they took to the couches to recap the good, the bad, and the ugly of season 9.  As always, if you like drama, cat fights, and low blows, these ladies definitely brought their A game.  Here it goes:

The first installment of the reunion actually started out pretty well.  The ladies were smiling and fake laughing so hard, I thought their faces were going to crack wide open, as they regaled Andy with stories about their families and mundane goings-on.  The ladies even opened up about their plastic surgeries.  Margaret admitted that she had something called a “Generation Lift,” and Dolores was inspired to reveal that she’d had her face worked on, as well.  She also had a butt injection of sorts, but said it didn’t really count as such because they ‘used her own stuff’ and transferred fat from other parts of her body.  Not to be left out of the plastic surgery chatter, Jackie shared that she’d had a tummy tuck, which she said she deserved after carrying two sets of twins.

The ladies also discussed their sex lives.  Margaret said that the scene in episode one that showed her and her husband, Joe in the shower together was nothing new.  In fact, she said they shower together nearly everyday, but that it’s not really a sex thing, just a togetherness thing.  But worry not.  They get it on plenty. Margaret said they do the nasty about 3-4 times per week.  The other ladies, still raising small kids, and Teresa, whose own Joe is “away,”  listened in envy, surely reminiscing on those long-ago days when their kid, whom they called the ultimate “c**k blockers” weren’t barging into the boudoir.

As Andy said his usual hello to each of the ladies, he gave a special shout out to the newbies, and asked them what life was like for them now that they were reality tv stars.  Jennifer spoke about the camaraderie, and how much she enjoyed having girlfriends again–particularly ones who invited her on girls’ trips, which she said hadn’t happened since before she was married.  Of course, this launched her into her whole spiel about Oklahoma again, and how visiting a “farmland” really wouldn’t have been her choice for a trip.  Yes, viewers, here we go again.

And, of course, Margaret couldn’t let Jennifer’s comment slide, so she launched into her whole spiel about how ungracious Jennifer had been throughout the entire trip, and how rude she had been to their host, Margaret’s friend, Patsy.  She informed Jennifer that Patsy’s home was not a farm, as they did not grow vegetables there, but was a ranch, and quite a lovely and spacious one, at that.  She went on to chastise Jennifer for needing to be “catered to 24/7,” rather than opening her mind to something new, and said she was insulting half the country with her preconceived notions about the places and people of that region of the country.

Andy quickly moved on to Dolores, who revealed that she hadn’t yet moved out of the family home she continues to share with her ex-husband, Frank, as she’d said she would in the finale.  Dolores explained that making major life decisions when you were in a vulnerable place was never a good idea, and she’d definitely been feeling vulnerable at the time.  She also shared some other weird news about her relationship with her ex–he’s in the process of building a house for her boyfriend, David! She said that the new business deal has actually made her and David closer because they now saw each other every day, and that their relationship had evolved into something more serious, but she said that she’s likely not going to be moving into his new home any time soon–unless David puts a ring on it.

Now, I like Dolores and everything, but let’s face it, she doesn’t have a whole lot of drama in her story line, so Andy decided to ask Melissa how she felt about Dolores.  Their relationship was fairly contentious this season, with Dolores backing Teresa, and calling Melissa “Little Miss Perfect,” and viewers were curious about whether Melissa even liked Dolores.  I’m guessing that the true answer to that question is a resounding no, and that Melissa was simply too polite to be blunt about it, because she took about five minutes to answer the question, and mumbled a very telling “um” before answering with a quick and noncommittal, “yeah.” When asked why she always seemed to give Dolores a pass, Melissa said that she had “learned not to sweat the small stuff,” and that she appreciated the fact that Dolores, who admitted that she enjoyed ‘busting Melissa’s b*lls’ was at least a big enough person to say her peace to Melissa’s face.

This somehow brought Andy back to Margaret and Jennifer’s season-long beef, and the viewers wanted to know why Margaret had been moved to disparage Jennifer’s brother’s engagement.  Margaret said her “mail-order bride” comments about his fiancée had just been an “easy joke to make,” considering the betrothed couple had only met once, and that they were marrying each other after knowing each other for only two weeks.  Andy asked if Margaret’s “jokes” had been the reason behind Jennifer trashing both Margaret and her mother, Marge Sr, for having affairs with married men.  

Margaret said Jennifer’s comments about her mom had been below the belt, and that while her year long affair with her now husband, Joe, while they had both been married to other people ‘hadn’t been pretty,’ she wasn’t going to stand for anyone talking badly about her mother on national television.  Of course, she’d revealed her mother’s past to the world on national television, but that was beside the point in her mind.  But Jennifer was unmoved..it was tit for tat, as far as she was concerned, and she said she ‘wasn’t going to feel pity for a home wrecker’ under any circumstances. Ouch!

Andy asked Margaret if she’d simply made the comments about Jennifer’s husband cheating on her to get back at her, and Margaret admitted once again that she had.  She said she knew nothing about Jennifer’s marriage and had only been trying to hurt her, and pointed out that she’d apologized immediately after.  But why, Andy wanted to know, had Jennifer gotten so upset over the allegations when she knew they were baseless? Jennifer said it was because it put a “stain” on her marriage.  Teresa agreed and sat nodding her head in judgement at the sheer audacity of Margaret’s statements about Jennifer’s marriage.  Judgement–from a felon.  Only in Jersey.  

Teresa said that she’d lived with such rumors about her own marriage for years, and that they could be very hurtful.  But speaking of hurtful, what about the comments that Jennifer had made about the necklace the ladies had gotten her to celebrate her success in the bikini competition, Margaret wanted to know?  Jennifer had called their gift ugly because it hadn’t come from her brother’s jewelry store, and Teresa hadn’t even defended her friends or their lovely gift.  Dolores agreed it had been rude, but Teresa simply waved it off and said that she had appreciated the gift and thought it was beautiful, but understood the emotional place Jennifer had been in when she made the comment.  

It was time to move on.  So Andy turned his attention to the other new girl on the block, Jackie.  Teresa could barely contain herself.  Her eyes nearly rolled out of her head, as Andy said that viewers had said that  Jackie reminded them of  “Carrie Bradshaw” from Sex and the City.  When he asked Jackie which characters the other ladies reminded her of, she said Melissa was a Carrie too, and that Margaret was definitely a Samantha.  She said none of them were Charlottes, and didn’t compare Dolores, Teresa, or Jennifer to any characters at all.  Noticing Teresa’s annoyance and heavy breathing, Andy asked her if she agreed that Jackie was the resident “Carrie,”  Teresa simply waved her hand, and said “please.”

Andy asked Jackie about her family, and she revealed that she and her estranged sister had been in touch.  She also talked about how having a disabled brother taught her a lot about life, and standing up to bullies.  At this point, apropos of absolutely nothing, Jennifer asked if Jackie was calling Teresa a bully.  Of course, Jackie hadn’t even been talking about Teresa, and Jennifer was clearly just stirring the pot, but apparently, both women wanted some of what she was cooking, and before you knew it, they were off and running.

Teresa said Jackie wanted to ‘be her,’ but Jackie said she wanted nothing Teresa had.  Teresa pointed out that Jackie had come to her book signings back in the day, and had gushed about how honored she’d been to meet the star of the show she loved so much.  Jackie admitted that she’d gone to the book signings, and that she’d been a fan of the show and of Teresa, but she also said that she didn’t believe that Teresa even wrote her own books.  Teresa said, “wanna bet?”  and tried in vain to argue further with Jackie, who instructed her to ‘shut her pie hole’ while she was talking, and said it ‘wasn’t the Teresa show.’  Teresa said that, in fact, it was the Teresa show.  

Andy asked Teresa why she had gotten so bent out of shape by Jackie’s comments about Joe being in prison when he actually was in prison, and Teresa said it was because Jackie had “no compassionate” when she’d said it, and had only been trying to be hurtful.  When asked why she hadn’t taken Teresa’s side, knowing how hurt she’d be by Jackie’s comments, Melissa said that it would have made no sense, considering that Jackie had made the comment to help bolster Melissa’s own point about not being able to control her husband. 

Teresa, of course, did not take kindly to Melissa failing yet another loyalty test, and said she wasn’t speaking to her anymore.  Melissa thought this was rich coming from Teresa, who was always going on and on about how much family meant to her. Dolores, of course, jumped to Teresa’s defense, and said that she’d been hurt. Melissa didn’t want to hear it, and said Dolores was always defending Teresa no matter what, even as she sat there going “boom boom” toward Melissa.  Melissa pointedly made guns with her fingers, prompting Teresa to ask if she wanted to shoot her. 

Melissa told her she was being ridiculous, and added that “some people” clearly had an issue with people who could make an argument based on logic.  Teresa asked if this meant that Melissa felt she could not make a logical argument, and Melissa said that yes, that’s exactly what it meant.  Jackie agreed, adding that Teresa operated on fear, and that she relied on everyone’s fear of making her angry to keep her army of yes people in line, including her biggest yes person of all–Dolores.

Dolores disagreed, and said that she’d gone toe to toe with Teresa plenty of times, and certainly wasn’t afraid of her life long friend.  Jackie ignored this, and continued going at Teresa, saying again that she hadn’t written a single word of her book, at this Teresa called her a “cold-hearted b***h,” and lobbed the box of kleenex Andy keeps on hand at Jackie, and continued screeching unintelligible insults at her as the show faded to black.  I told you–it got ugly!  It’s also not over–not by a long shot.  We have two more reunion installments to go, people, and we haven’t even heard from Danielle yet. Stay tuned!

Photo Credit: Greg Endries/Bravo

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