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Carl Radke opened up about his addiction struggles in his just-released book, Cake Eater: Getting High, Hitting Low: And Trying to Stay in the Middle.
While also looking back on the early moments of his substance abuse, reflecting on the devastating loss of his brother, Curtis Radke, and addressing the suicidal thoughts he had after calling off his wedding to Lindsay Hubbard, 39, the 40-year-old Summer House star admitted to spending years abusing alcohol, cocaine, and Adderall.
“What [Summer House] viewers didn’t see was how often I’d hide in the bathroom, splashing water on my face, giving myself pep talks to make it through another day of filming,” Carl wrote, via Us Weekly, as he recalled his early moments on the show. “I’d stare in the mirror, barely recognizing the bloodshot eyes looking back at me, and think, ‘You can do this. Just get through this weekend.’ Then I’d pop an Advil, put on my sunglasses, and head back out to party.”
For Carl, his childhood memories include his brother’s drug use, as well as his “painful cycle” and the stress it caused on their family. However, that didn’t stop him from trying cocaine during his sophomore year at Syracuse University.
“[I’d use] Adderall for all-nighters during finals, weed to chill after stress and cocaine to keep partying,” he shared, revealing his late nights led to body image issues.
“I would binge eat while high, then purge because I felt guilty and terrified of gaining weight,” he wrote. “It was a vicious cycle, fueled by booze and drugs and hidden behind what looked like typical college partying. Nobody questioned it because everyone was doing something in excess.”
After he graduated in 2007, Carl moved to Los Angeles and began working for World of Wonder, a production company. While there, Carl, who’d driven drunk before, got a DUI and spent a night behind bars.
“I cut off a police car like an idiot. I remember frantically putting pennies in my mouth because I’d heard somewhere that it would mask the smell of alcohol,” he shared.
Also in L.A., Carl got “blackout drunk” and made out with an actress before “someone else joined” in. Although Carl didn’t share names, he hinted that the other person was an older man, mentioning that it was nonconsensual and speaking about “being sexually touched by a man who had power over him professionally.”
Shortly thereafter, Carl’s use of substances was fueled by the post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) he experienced after witnessing a man fall to his death in the Bahamas.
Adding to his hardships was the fact that Carl was spending “way beyond” his means.
“I started to rack up credit card debt, bounce checks and dodge calls from bill collectors. I’d tell myself I’d figure it out later, that the next commission check would solve everything,” he stated.
Even after joining the cast of Summer House in 2016, Carl’s substance abuse continued to worsen.
“There were mornings I’d wake up, my hands would be shaking until I had a drink. I started hiding bottles around the house so I always had easy access,” he recalled. “I’d pregame before filming to ‘take the edge off,’ not realizing I was just digging myself deeper into addiction.”
By season two, Carl’s encounter with the unnamed person came back to bite him as his castmate, Stephen McGee, spoke of the encounter on the show.
“Stephen brought up what I’d told him that night, suggesting I’d been lying about my sexuality. In an instant, a private moment became public property,” Carl wrote. “The feeling is hard to describe; that complete violation, that sense of your world collapsing around you. I managed to confirm what happened but emphasized that it wasn’t Stephen’s story to tell.”
Although Stephen later apologized, Carl said the moment led him to head home and “order alcohol and cocaine” in an effort to escape the feeling of being “exposed.”
“[I was] being victimized again, this time for entertainment,” he explained. “Having my sexuality added to the list of things people could speculate about and joke about was unbearable. And so I drank.”
As the seasons of Summer House continued, so did Carl’s cycle of hangovers, drinking, and drug use.
“The darkest moments were the ones alone in my apartment. I’d tell friends I was staying in, and what that really meant was drinking and doing coke by myself, listening to music and watching TV until I inevitably started making phone calls at 3 a.m., scaring the people who cared about me,” he admitted. “My dad got those late-night, tearful, incoherent calls far too often. I’d call him crying hysterically, not making sense, waking him up in the middle of the night with my emotional roller-coasters.”
Then, amid season five, Carl received the news that Curtis had died from a drug overdose.
“The funeral destroyed me. In giving the eulogy for my brother, I tried to capture who he really was to honor his memory properly. After the service, I couldn’t handle the pain. I went straight to the bar next door with a friend and got wasted. It was a pointless attempt to dull everything I was feeling,” he wrote.
During one particularly dark moment, which followed the attack on the U.S. Capitol in January 2021, Carl’s emotions amplified, leading to a larger-than-normal cocaine order.
“I went big. Three giant jars, a better deal to buy all at once. A quantity that would be enough for a football team,” he disclosed.
Two days later, Carl celebrated his first day of sobriety.
Although Carl is currently strong in his recovery, having recently opened Soft Bar, a non-alcoholic gathering place with mocktails and bites, he believes he should’ve waited to date until he had more time under his belt.
“Would I tell someone else to fall in love before hitting their one-year mark? Probably not,” he wrote. “There’s a reason everyone says to wait a year, and I’ve seen firsthand how messy it can get.”
After getting engaged to Lindsay amid season seven, Carl called off their engagement during season eight. Looking back, Carl said he had no regrets about striking up a romance with his co-star, despite how it ended.
“That relationship was part of my recovery, and it taught me a lot about myself, about being intimate with someone and about what I actually need and want in a partner,” he reasoned.
That said, having to cancel their wedding plans was heartbreaking and led to suicidal thoughts.
“There were days during this period when I questioned whether I wanted to be on this earth anymore. That’s not easy to admit, but it’s the truth,” he shared. “When you wake up day after day to see your name in the news next to words like lies and manipulation, when something as sacred as your sobriety is being questioned, when you feel like you can’t escape the noise and find a moment of peace, it takes a toll.”
At the time, Carl felt “deeply misunderstood.”
“Ending the relationship was painful because I cared deeply about her, and I knew she cared for me. But despite that love, our dynamic wasn’t healthy, and walking away, as hard as it was, felt like the most compassionate choice for both of us,” he explained. “The pattern of conflict, the lack of trust, the communication breakdowns: they weren’t getting better, despite our efforts in couples therapy. I had to be honest with myself: if we went forward, the conflicts we couldn’t resolve now would likely follow us into marriage. I wanted a future built on stability and trust, and despite the love we had, I couldn’t see us creating that together. I couldn’t go through with the wedding knowing what I knew.”
“Walking away from the engagement was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made, but I stand by it. Every weekend, thousands of couples get married, knowing it’s not the right thing to do. They go through with it anyway, have kids, buy houses and end up divorced within a few years. I didn’t want that for either of us,” he added.
Summer House season 10 premieres on Tuesday, February 3, at 8/7c on Bravo.