Isn’t the point of a reunion to get allll the girls back together and chat about the things that occurred during the season of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills? If that’s the case, then answer me this one thing: where is LVP?!
In the words of Andy Cohen, “There’s trouble afoot in Beverly Hills!” As the ladies settle into their spots on the couch, Andy introduces the “elegant and enchanting” (gag) housewives. They all compliment one another and even comment on Dorit‘s look: “We knew you’d have some clips, but holy sh*t.” LOL.
Denise is donning curtains for a dress, Teddi clearly took fashion advice from her bestie, Kyle, Erika looks like some politician’s wife, Dorit has more clips in her hair than a Sally Hansen store sells, Rinna looks like a walking highlighter with lips, and Kyle attempts to be “very 80’s” in her neon ensemble. When Andy addresses the fact that everyone’s favorite housewife is absent and will not be a member of next season’s cast, we are treated to a flashback of LVP talking smack about Adrienne Maloof, a housewife of the past. It’s interesting to see LVP’s take on Adrienne’s lack of attendance and how much sh*t she talked back then, yet she is the one not showing up in 2019. Hmmmm.
According to LVP, “The objective of a reunion is to reunite.” I hear ya, LVP. She claims that the women have been “harassing her,” but the girls state that no one has even seen or heard from LVP since Denise’s wedding. Erika replies that LVP should “get off the cross, we need the wood.” WOW. Listening to these women banning together about LVP’s absence is super annoying. Some of the girls think LVP may actually show up to the reunion, and Kyle even brings the birthday present she has been holding onto for LVP. Yet another attempt to prove that she is a saint. Blech.
Andy needs to hear about the whole Rinna/Michael Bolton/Harry Hamlin/Nicolette Sheridan Twitter war. Rinna outs Nicolette about sleeping with Michael Bolton. This one event is what, according to Rinna, led Harry Hamlin into her arms. That poor, poor man.
Ah, the Denise Richards season rewind. We revisit her obsession with hookers, happy endings, her children, and Charlie Sheen. Basically, the only “exciting” storyline Denise brought was her wedding. And even that I am gonna put in quotes: “exciting.” Denise states that Charlie Sheen wasn’t necessarily thrilled with some of the details she shared about his life on the show, but hey, que sera sera. Denise continues to get teased for her lack of style, but she doesn’t apologize for her “laidback look.”
Denise speaks very eloquently when explaining her relationship with her ex, Charlie Sheen, and I have more respect for her as she states that she wants her girls to have that father/daughter relationship, even if there are any hiccups between the exes. Eloise, Denise’s adopted daughter, is doing well, despite her chromosomal disorder. I love that Denise gives her all to help her be the best version of herself. Denise becomes emotional discussing Eloise’s delays and shares that her free spirit and bright light is something everyone can learn from. Dorit can understand where Denise is coming from, as her son, Jagger, experienced delays as well.
The topic switches very abruptly to Kyle. We relive her anxiety-ridden season where she makes every little thing about her, dramatically. Kyle claims that she did have her mammogram scheduled, and thus, decided to join Rinna—and her lips—for a checkup. Sidenote: How do Teddi and Kyle survive as friends? Since they are both such anxious individuals and all…??
Erika goes ahead and says it: “All hail the true queen, Kyle Richards.” WHY, ERIKA? Why?! Kyle smiles smugly as she pretends to be shocked by this outright lie. Erika further states that Kyle is “the original and the leader of the group. We are all connected to her. She’s the center.” Oh, please bring back LVP!
After Kyle’s head gets inflated by all of the compliments, Camille enters. I would much rather a cameo by LVP, but I digress. Can Camille add one more hyphenated name to her last name? Puh-lease. We learn that Camille went to Switzerland for her honeymoon…I guess with her husband (he’s rarely around, amiright?!), and she’s still figuring out her living situation. Andy probes to find out, “What is the real reason you won’t give up Grammer?” Ah, yes, for the kids, of course…that and for recognition. DUH. Camille blows Denise off big time, talking about how hard she has worked and therefore cannot comment on Denise’s lack of a prenup with Charlie Sheen. Camille is in it for blood. I am telling you.
Oh boy—we are treated to all of the sexual escapades, gyrations, and happy endings of the season. Ya know, just another attempt of spicing up a snooze-worthy gaggle of episodes. Of course we need to investigate the happy endings topic further. We also address the fact that the woman who gave Aaron, Denise’s husband, his happy ending was an older woman. Gross! We then hear allllll about Aaron’s “big penis” and Andy insists on knowing just how big it actually is. Rinna, not to be left out, explains that after 22 years of marriage, she does some “kinky sh*t” with HarryHamlin. Thanks for that visual…
Hold onto your hats: the Lucy, Lucy dog issue gets revisited and revisited hard. I have to be honest. Even reviewing the whole “scandal,” I am still confused about how Teddi cannot realize her involvement in the mess. Teddi maintains that she is an honest person, despite all of the receipts LVP and company have found. I am also perplexed as to why Kyle felt the need to be the group’s detective. Hey, I guess that’s how she earned the “Queen of the group” title, huh?
Andy wants to know what happened off-camera with Teddi, and Teddi apologizes to Dorit again right off the bat. She explains that she got involved because of a simple phone call. All it took were “multiple, multiple phone calls” and wam-o, Teddi was ready for her role in the angry agenda. Or so she claims… Teddi states that the reason she became so intertwined in this poor decision was because “I was angry at Dorit” over something that happened last year. Teddi held onto that grudge and took it out on Dorit during puppy-gate. Then, Teddi explains that she never actually spoke to LVP about the scandal, but she knew exactly what her role was. It’s allll so very, very clear. NOT.
Andy gives it to Teddi: “For someone who is the queen of accountability, it’s amazing that at that time, you had such a lapse.” Bravo, Andy. Way to call Teddi out for that. A wounded Teddi basically recoils and Dorit states that the most hurtful part about the debacle is that Teddi realized she was wrong, but LVP kept going on and on. Much like this lame storyline that took up the majority of this lame season. #neverending.
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Photo Credit: Nicole Weingart/Bravo
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